Today's List

Oh I have a bunch of things I want to do today. First, though, is this...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!!!

She is 74 today.

I hate the fact that I need to go to Costco and WalMart today. Everyone and their brother, sister, cousin and dog will be shopping for Superbowl Sunday. But I need to. Ugh.

I want to finish #7 of Judy's washcloths and do more work on Mom's shawl. Yeah, I know... this belongs on my Crafty Rantings. Trust me, I'll get there.

I need to call David to see if I'm supposed to be going over for some Max time tonight. Just getting acquainted.

I need to do laundry. I need to start packing for Thursday. I am going to be so tired when I get there. I am working a full day, driving to the airport and flying. I think I will have to sleep in on Friday.

Saturday is the day when I drink a pot of coffee in the morning, update the blogs and then go to Costco/WalMart/wherever to do errands, including the post office, come home and watch bad movies on the SciFi channel and knit and/or crochet. I have motivated myself to today finish #7 and start #8 as well as work on two other on-going projects. No, nothing for me. Well, maybe. I have my shawl draped over a chair in the livingroom and I am getting tired of looking at the spots that need flowers so maybe I'll make another 4 or 6 and sew those on. Doesn't take too long.

Anyway, I think I was so gloomy earlier in the week because I was feeling awful. I came home from work Thursday after only being there about 4 hours and did lots of sleeping and that helped. I didn't want to be sick going to see Ally, Sean and Matt. And Heather! I'm going to get to see Heather! Ally and I are going to her house for dinner Friday night. We'd bring Matt but he is horrible if he is up past 7pm, his bedtime, so he and daddy will stay home. Daddy has to leave for drill early, anyway, so he couldn't be out late either. But I know Ally and I will have a good time. I'm looking forward to seeing the girls again as well as Heather.

Now it's time for more coffee, a shower, get dressed and off to Costco when it opens (or WalMart before). Oh wait... what was that? Ah... my 40% off a regular priced item coupon for Joann's is calling and reminding me that Joann's is right inbetween WalMart and Costco. Oh you naughty coupon! Now I just HAVE to go look!

Happy Saturday all!

I will tell you all about my March plans later. I am super excited about those!!

Monday Musings

There are a lot of things rambling around in my head and heart, some of which I just am not capable of discussing at the moment. There are many changes blowing in the wind, none of which are my makings but which affect me. I can be pro-active and change my own things and hope they're for the best or I can wait and see what happens and deal with it when it happens. Right now I am just incapable of making that decision. Every time I try to look at how I can change things, none of it seems for the better for me. The whole "I work well under pressure" thing doesn't really apply to my personal life. I typically crack under pressure in my own life. I let things happen and later kick myself. But, as I said, I am currently incapable of looking past the next few minutes. Every time I have done that in my life things have blown up and, as my dad used to say, gone to hell in a handbasket. Maybe I was thinking if I collected enough baskets I'd avoid hell. Who knows. Maybe that's why I don't collect baskets anymore.

And since I'm rambling and musing, here's something I want to know... Someone sent me a Barry Manilow CD recently that I love and listen to all the time. Sad love songs are all I can ever listen to and I can't stop. It's like I enjoy listening to things that bring up painful memories. What's with that? Nothing happening romantically in my life so I might as well think about all the awful ones and be grateful I'm not going through that now nor will be in the future? Ugh. What a terrible thought.

Maybe things would be better if I wasn't reminded that there were a couple of points in my life where I could have made a different choice and things would be oh so much better now (or at least I like to think so). Changes in my teens, mostly. One guy I really missed the chance with. I think we all have those in our pasts. Some of you were lucky enough to have actually *had* the chance with them and then, through no fault of your own, it ended. I have a few friends who are lucky enough to have found it and still have it. I think of how happy I am for my friend Sherry and her husband Dave and how, at the same time, I am so incredibly envious. And Susan and Dan. Even Ruth and Chuck. I often wish I could have found that one someone to spend almost 60 years of my life with and still love him and have him love me. Now THAT is something wonderful to see.

Instead I live alone, at the moment anyway, because it's probably for the best. What's the saying... God never gives you more than you can handle. And I believe God never gives you more than you deserve. I am where I am because this is where He has decided I need to be right now, living the way I am.

And then I got to thinking about how sick and tired I am of being a survivor. I want to be able to just say, "I quit!" and do it. But I can't. So that gets me to wondering how in hell I can be such a pessimist about everything if I'm a survivor. Riddle me this, Batman.

I wonder what brings all these thoughts. Perhaps it's my sense of impending doom. The not knowing what to do or how to plan or where to go. I am feeling helpless. My entire life is in someone else's hands. And since those hands threaten to turn into fists that will pound me down yet again, it's time to once again see if maybe God can make better decisions about me than I do. I'd so much rather my fate were in His hands. And I know, ultimately, my fate and life are.

Wouldn't hurt if He'd hug me once in a while, though. Not one bit.