Dreaming

The last few months, actually almost a year, it has felt like a series of dreams that are so unreal.  First I come back from spending Mother's Day 2011 with my mom, my daughter and my grandson.  How wonderful!  Then less than a month later I am told that after a total of 11.5 years, most recently 7 of them, that I am being laid off from my good paying, long term job.  I had just refinanced the house in the spring after having purchased it a year before.  I had a month to plan financially.

For eight months I looked and looked and looked for a job.  I took tests, drove long distances for interviews and struggled financially, emotionally, physically and spiritually.  I was wondering how I would cope with losing my house, my credit score, my independence.  I would have to live with and be supported in all ways by my mother.  I would have to move back to cold weather and the reality that between my weight and my diabetes I probably wouldn't have long to live. But I would be with family.  If that was what God intended for me then so be it. Obviously God knows a lot more about what's good for me than I do!

And then I found an employer who wanted me!  The job was back in Chico and about a 40 minute commute one way but it paid enough to not only pay the bills but a tiny bit more.  I was able to get the landscaping cleaned up because it looked terrible thanks to the pine tree out front and the weeds.  I was able to make the payment to the eye doctor without struggling.  I even had money to buy some extra yarn to make myself an afghan and a shawl for my mom to have as she is recovering from knee replacement surgery.

While I was unemployed it was like a dream.  Never knowing where the future was headed and trusting that God would provide for me.  Then after I began working again the unemployed time seemed like a dream that had happened but hadn't really been real.

So last week when the best boss I have ever had in my life told me he had to lay me off after 5 weeks I was crushed.  He made it clear it had nothing to do with my work because he was very happy with my work.  He even offered to write me a letter of recommendation, which he did, which was wonderful.

Back again to unemployed.  And feeling like the first round of unemployment was not only a dream but that working at a job I was good at and loved was not only a dream but maybe the shortest dream ever.  Trying to figure out why God does things like this to His children.  I think perhaps the lessons from that 5 weeks was that it is possible to have a wonderful job and wonderful boss, that they are out there and that if I can have it once, if I am patient and worthy , God will let me have a good job again.  I learned I can do a 40 hour work week and even though I was tired, it was fulfilling.  And now I have time to rest up and get my batteries recharged and I will be ready for the long term job. At least this is what I'm hoping.  I don't want to spend the rest of my life working a bit then not working then working a bit more.  Besides, at 55 it is very hard to get a job anyway.  To have to keep repeating the process will be discouraging.

For now I am holding onto my faith and I am applying for work and already I have a test scheduled for a county job.  Even if nothing comes of that (although I hope it does!) I will have gotten back into the job hunt swing in a big way.  I have applied for 3 other jobs, too.  In less than a week I have been fortunate enough to apply for twice as many jobs as I had in 2 months at the beginning of the year!

So I am not discouraged and filled with hope.  I pray something good happens. I trust that God will provide and not abandon me because I know He loves me. And whatever the plan, whatever it is He wants for me, I know I just have to be patient and eventually it will be clear and happen.  I will do my part - look for a job, submit applications, attend tests, go to interviews.  And part of what my part in all this is is to keep having faith and know that whatever happens, it's part of the plan.  Maybe not mine, but perhaps my plan isn't all that great so it's best to just let God figure it all out.  He's a lot smarter than I am!