Popup Blocking Disabled

My brain's popup blocker has been disabled. I don't want to think about much and yet these little windows keep opening up with things in them like a picture of Ally and Matt and I wish I was there. Probably because I talked to her this morning. Then another window opens up displaying the phrase "get moving" and before I can shut either of those, another pops up and opens and displays the Carl's Jr. star shaped sign. Quick as lightning they pop up and I can't seem to block any of them. "Change the sheets and do laundry", a picture of a mailbox - look! there's the treadmill! "email needs to be read", then up pops the picture of the coffeepot telling me it wants me to empty it.

Guess this is what happens when your software goes soft. :)

A Few Things and Tomorrow

When I'm home all I want to do is go to bed early. I am tired a lot. Don't think it's a result of the measly 5 minutes a day on the treadmill although that is better than nothing. I just have so many thoughts running around in my head and trying not to worry about things and just do what needs to be done. I'm trying to make a couple of washcloths to send to someone in one of my knitting groups who will send them to members of her husband's troop. And I still haven't gotten the package to Socks for Soldiers. I just know that once I do I will stop doing for them altogether. So I put it off. And I am working on two washcloths that are, well, slow. The yellow one is cute but the pattern isn't right in one spot but since it matches mom's kitchen and she doesn't care what it looks like, she'll get it. The other I haven't decided yet. So craftwise I am trying to keep busy.

I am feeling, well to be honest, overwhelmed by being Vice President of BCLPA this year (Butte County Legal Professionals Association). While I know I will do a good job, I am discouraged already by lack of progress on something I want to do. I think I am running out of energy.

And I miss Ally and Matt (and Sean!). I am feeling like I did when I first moved to Chico - everyone is growing up without me and my absence isn't noticed. Yes, I know, I am feeling down in the dumps. I am mostly ok but I think I need to get away from my routine. I get up, treadmill, go to work, go home, sleep, repeat. 3 or 4 nights a week I water the lawn. Saturday night I go have dinner with David and "dad". I do nothing out of the ordinary. I go nowhere. I don't see my friends as much as I used to (or would like) but everyone is busy and I admit that this week I've been busy, too. I just think I need to do something out of the ordinary for me. Maybe if the weather isn't too hot this weekend I will buy a sandwich, take a soda and find somewhere to go sit outside and eat lunch.

Tomorrow Ally turns 23. And I sadly realize that with very few exceptions, she has spent over half of her life having birthdays without me. I think of her all the time and am so proud and happy of the mother and wife and woman she has become. All without much input from me, at least of late. At least I know I gave her a good foundation. And she has made many better choices in her shorter life than I certainly have made in my long one. And I will miss her terribly tomorrow. At exactly noon when she turns exactly 23 I will look at the clock and wonder where she is and hope she is happy and healthy and doing what SHE wants on HER birthday, not what someone else chose.

In the words of Mother Abagail from Stephen King's "The Stand", I've been thinking some long thoughts. Fortunately for me I'm not ending up in Boulder. At least not yet. :) (If you don't get that, it's ok.)

So I am going to try to do something different at least for a little while this weekend and that will spur me back towards doing what I want to be doing and on a happier path. I am not thinking about things I cannot control, just those I can. And some of those things need me to get more energy so I can do them. Including the dreaded treadmill. :)