Inspiration

See this picture? Yes, Matt is looking at Grammy like, "What?!? Mom and I are busy!" But, here's something I thought I would post about since it's hard to talk about it with practically everyone.

I am notoriously terrible about taking care of my own health. I refuse to diet because I don't want to spend what life I have being unhappy about food. And I really dislike most veggies. I hate to exercise. My idea of exercise is to walk around at WalMart or Costco and figure out what I want to buy. Costco - the pizza for dinner or cashews? WalMart - cotton yarn or beef jerky? Oddly enough the cashews and jerky aren't as bad for me as you'd think. After I came home from my last doctor visit it was basically either get myself in line and watch what I eat or I might as well write my obit because I'll be needing it a lot sooner than I'd like. No, it's not really my weight although everyone who knows me knows I'm large. It's my blood sugar levels. They have been raging out of control because I refuse to watch what I'm eating. So I promised I would watch and I have. The levels are way, way down to just about where they should be. Now my goal is to cut down on the meds. Unfortunately it's a horrible cycle - you need meds to get the sugar down but the meds make you gain weight which makes your sugar go up so you need more meds... it's really yukky.

Don't get me wrong - I am not dieting. But I'm not eating candy (unless my blood sugar drops and I start to shake which fortunately has only happened a couple of times and even then it's like two squares of a Hershey bar... no, the little bars, not the giant ones!) and I have stayed away from my beloved Ritz crackers. That part is killing me. I do occasionally have something "bad" like a couple slices of pizza or a few potato chips but it's always in moderation and maybe once a week. That will not kill me or make my sugar levels go permanently out of control. I know I can't eat what I want anymore. I have to watch. Not just until the next doctor visit but until my last breath.

Now here's something really sad and I hate to admit this - I don't really care much about myself. Being fat is good for me in that men aren't interested in me physically so they won't bother to get to know me. I've failed twice at marriage and several other times as just romantic relationships. I admit that I am happier alone. So being fat and not having men romantically interested is OK now. Maybe some of this is because I don't think I really deserve good things. But I do. And I'm working to make that happen more often. My self esteem went down the toilet after the last relationship died and then a lot of little things happened that added together could have probably plunged me into deep depression but didn't. I am a survivor. I just don't know when to quit (a problem with the relationships, too, I admit). So instead of letting all that "ruin" me, and instead of letting this giving up what I love to eat "ruin" me (because I can still occasionally have a piece of cake - small - or half of a dessert as long as it's rare instead of the daily occurrence) I have done what I always have done - I am doing what it takes to plunge ahead and make everything work.

Why?

Look at that picture at the front. If that isn't inspiration to live, I don't know what is.

Grammy & Matt

Here we are, Matt and I. I cannot tell you how absolutely wonderful it was to be there for 5 full days. I cried at the airport, of course. I had not seen Ally for over 2 years. There is no excuse. It will never be anywhere close to that long again. There is a big space in my heart where she resides and it was empty for way too long. Now there is another big space in my heart which Matt fills. I can still see the expressions on his face in my mind and feel how wonderful it was to hold him or to watch his mom and he together. They have such a special bond!

Matt is a truly great little boy. He cries to have his basic needs met - "feed me", "change me", "I'm tired" and very rarely, "hold me for a little while". When he wants to be held it's only moments before he's asleep. He has such beautiful little expressions. I love when he scrunches up his forehead in that inquisitive look that says, "we're doing what now?"

I am already booking my next flight. I gave Ally my holiday schedule so we can see how much time I can get there around my days off and then if not, I will use vacation or comp time. I will make this work. I'm going to be a frequent flyer with Aloha and will be able to drive the Sacramento to Chico and vice versa route all the time despite traffic and construction.

Take a look at these. I am going to try to post two pictures here at the bottom which will tell you why I need to do all this travelling. Nope, haven't looked for a job there... yet. But you never know. (Apparently I can only post one picture... I will post the other later!)