OK, A Post To Really Post

I have been unmotivated to do much since the beginning of December. At first I thought it was holiday blues but it wasn't. I got busy and made Christmas presents, saw people, did things. I spent one night just listening to music with David which is something neither of us ever do. Every Friday night after Dad goes to bed I snuggle into my recliner with a penguin fleece blanket, David sits in Dad's recliner, we turn off the lights and watch a horror movie from Netflix. Friday night horror movies (with popcorn) is a ritual for us since we both love horror movies AND popcorn. I will rejoice when football season is over and I can spend time at night in the livingroom talking to Dad. I just have had my fill for now.

I have come to the conclusion that I am not suffering from the holiday blues or any blues, really. I am bored. I have tried to change things in my life and succeeded. Some things are better but a significant amount of things are really a lot worse.

I continue to try to change things for the better but lack motivation. I do still have some goals. For instance, here are a few:

1. Walk into a room after not seeing Matt for months and have him come up to me, hug me, kiss me and call me Grammy.
2. Hold a newborn granddaughter who looks just like her mother.
3. Learn to make socks.
4. Make at least two larger knit or crochet projects a year that take more than a week. Notice I did NOT say that fleece blankets count.
5. Visit Seattle again.
6. Spend a week by the beach (either ocean) with a dear friend (or friends) who love me as much as I love them.
7. Have one HUGE celebration on my birthday in 2012.
8. Spend my 55th birthday in Las Vegas, hopefully with both my brothers, Den AND David.
9. Finish writing my 3rd book of poetry.
10. Cruise the caribbean again, drinking 6 margaritas in a half hour without getting drunk and ride in a zodiac to shore.

How many of those are attainable? Well, probably 1, 2, 4, 7, 8, and 9. 3 is on the list because we all need to have one truly unattainable goal on our list. It was a toss up as to the truly unattainable goal - learn to make socks or have a date with a man. Socks won.

I am feeling discouraged but not really downtrodden. Susan has kicked me in the pants enough lately that the kick hit my brain and I see she is right. This weekend I will be finding something to do instead of hiding at home which is what I've been doing of late. I really am not meant to be isolated. My mother and Susan are always saying I am a very social person. I just haven't been social much these days. Everyone I know has other things to do. So maybe it's time to take matters into my own hands and see if I can't find somewhere to spend some time where I can be a bit more social. Oh please don't suggest sitting around Starbucks drinking coffee. I am not good at being in public by myself. I won't even eat at a restaurant by myself for the most part. But I may go to Oroville and spend an hour at the casino just because I haven't for a very long time. Or not. Maybe instead I will go to a yarn store. In any case I am tired of being discouraged so I am going to go somewhere, even if I have to go alone. I am always going to be alone so I need to get used to it. Funny... I didn't mind being alone when I was alone. Now it feels odd to be alone when I'm not usually alone. Even in my room I know there is someone outside in the house if I want to talk to someone.

When did I lose my adjustment to being alone?

I am going to bed early after a bit of reading. I am tired lately. Or maybe that's the big sandwich I had for dinner. :)

Things are not how I would like them but I doubt anyone has everything they want. I've got about 25%. That's better than it used to be, right Susan?

It's back to knitting for a bit and then bed. And a mental review of my goals and what's been going on of late. And tomorrow I'm going to start at least looking into a bigger crafting project. I said LOOK, not actually start. For info on how that goes, check out Crafty Rantings. :)

Until later, no worries for me or you. Just peaceful rest and soft dreams. Yum.

Thoughts

OK, I had a post here. Maybe you read it. Doesn't matter. Author's choice - I removed it. Days like today I should not be allowed to post so consider my mouth shut.

Being Single

As you can tell from the prior post, I have recently been doing a lot of thinking about being single. Yes, there are a bunch of positive things about it. And some negatives. For me the scary part about being alone is being able to make it financially. But just so you know, here are a few of the things I consider positive about being single.

1. I can do as much knitting or crocheting as I like without criticism.
2. I can jump in the car and go where I want on a weekend. My decision, my responsibility.
3. I can stay warm at night because I never am without the covers unless *I* have pushed them aside.
4. I can fill the other half of the bed with my books, magazines, crafty stuff, mail, whatever I want and still have lots of room to move.
5. I watch what I want on tv. Movies, too.
6. I can sing along with the CD in the car whenever I choose, no matter how awful my voice might be that day.
7. I do what I want for myself and others whenever I want. Even if it's small, big, silly or serious.
8. I can yell at the tv when the Celtics are losing or sloppy and nobody looks at me like I'm an alien.
9. I know that when I put something down it won't move.
10. The only mess in my space is mess I've made. I only have to pick up after me.
11. I can have as much girly decorations around as I want without explanations.
12. I can shop at the Salvation Army on a Saturday morning, Wal-Mart, Joann's and Costco and know that whatever I do or do not purchase is my own choice.

Being single allows you the opportunity to be very selfish and self centered, if you want. I am sometimes that way but I still take the time to do something for others. The selfish things I do are usually craft related or watching tv related. I live with two men who are family and who love me very much. I will always choose to do for them even though I am single. I am single in relationship status only. I'm part of a family where I live. So while I may be single, I am not alone. Now THAT is something that makes me smile, that makes me happy.