Rambling Things
I suppose it's time to post again. I have had a lot of random rambling thoughts lately.
First, the update. No, I do not have a job nor do I really have much for prospects. I applied for a paralegal job with the county and that closes this Friday. I tested for a job but it was horrifically hard and I barely passed. No surprise. The job paid very decently. I have a feeling God has a plan for me that includes a job but that the pay will be enough to pay the bills with little else. I need humbling. I need to struggle again. I had years with a decent salary which allowed me to save for my house by denying myself things like a new car and trips to places other than where my family resides and other material things. The house was all I really wanted outside of seeing my family. So I think perhaps I am supposed to struggle for a while. I have faith that eventually I will get a job that will support me and I am hoping it's here in California so I can keep my house. And before the unemployment runs out. But that isn't really in my hands. I apply for jobs and test (another one next Monday for a job I am supposed to be on the list for already with the county!) and the rest is up to God. His time, His plan.
So here's something I have been thinking about. As we get older it is amazing what changes in our lives. I'm not talking just about the physical and emotional changes we go through. Hopefully we grow up. We realize that we want to mean something to people, to be wanted in their lives. And if that doesn't happen, it hurts. If it does, we're blessed. We have a tendency to start listening to country music because the lyrics speak to experiences we have had, good and bad. We become more conservative in our politics because we realize that we can't keep paying for all these things the government wants us to pay for and that the real price will be paid by our children and grandchildren. We've got it better than they will ever have it and we are leaving them with debt and poverty and struggle. I think as we get older we get sadder at the reality of what will be left behind when we're gone.
I am horrifically sad this week. Every year for the past 4 or 5 years I have flown from California to New Hampshire the Saturday before Mother's Day (yes, the day before) to spend it with my mother. I will not be doing that this year. I haven't seen my family in a year. No idea if I ever will. I am lonely and alone. My friends are almost always busy on weekends. The only thing I will probably do this Mother's Day is call my mother and daughter and watch NBA finals. Were it not for watching basketball and being an NBA junkie I think I would be too depressed to get up every day. But right now the only thing which is depressing me is missing my family. I don't want to have to live with them - just visit.
I am not depressed about being unemployed. I know something will happen even if that is giving the bank the house and moving in with my mother. I have more faith now than before. I am trying to be patient and ready and am doing my part. But I am alone a lot. Like before I can't afford to go anywhere or do much of anything. And while I was crocheting for a while I seem uninterested in that. Probably because it's in the 80's and 90's now and will only get hotter. Yeah, THAT is depressing for me.
Sometimes hope is hard to have but most days I'm alright. My mom calls me every day and sends me cards and care packages and even though I tell her how much all that means to me, how it keeps me going, she doesn't really understand how much. She's just doing what a mom does. And it hurts me that she is having to spend her money on me when I should be able to take care of myself financially.
Today I am going to see if I can't find a pattern I'd like to do and make something in crochet. Knitting just takes so long. I made a couple of coasters the other day. That was fun. Maybe I will do that. Those are the only things I have made in a couple weeks (or more).
I am doing alright. Really. Yes, I get lonely but we all do. I am holding on to my faith that all will be alright eventually. Whenever God decides I'm worthy. Not if... I have to believe that it's when. Isn't that why they call it faith?
First, the update. No, I do not have a job nor do I really have much for prospects. I applied for a paralegal job with the county and that closes this Friday. I tested for a job but it was horrifically hard and I barely passed. No surprise. The job paid very decently. I have a feeling God has a plan for me that includes a job but that the pay will be enough to pay the bills with little else. I need humbling. I need to struggle again. I had years with a decent salary which allowed me to save for my house by denying myself things like a new car and trips to places other than where my family resides and other material things. The house was all I really wanted outside of seeing my family. So I think perhaps I am supposed to struggle for a while. I have faith that eventually I will get a job that will support me and I am hoping it's here in California so I can keep my house. And before the unemployment runs out. But that isn't really in my hands. I apply for jobs and test (another one next Monday for a job I am supposed to be on the list for already with the county!) and the rest is up to God. His time, His plan.
So here's something I have been thinking about. As we get older it is amazing what changes in our lives. I'm not talking just about the physical and emotional changes we go through. Hopefully we grow up. We realize that we want to mean something to people, to be wanted in their lives. And if that doesn't happen, it hurts. If it does, we're blessed. We have a tendency to start listening to country music because the lyrics speak to experiences we have had, good and bad. We become more conservative in our politics because we realize that we can't keep paying for all these things the government wants us to pay for and that the real price will be paid by our children and grandchildren. We've got it better than they will ever have it and we are leaving them with debt and poverty and struggle. I think as we get older we get sadder at the reality of what will be left behind when we're gone.
I am horrifically sad this week. Every year for the past 4 or 5 years I have flown from California to New Hampshire the Saturday before Mother's Day (yes, the day before) to spend it with my mother. I will not be doing that this year. I haven't seen my family in a year. No idea if I ever will. I am lonely and alone. My friends are almost always busy on weekends. The only thing I will probably do this Mother's Day is call my mother and daughter and watch NBA finals. Were it not for watching basketball and being an NBA junkie I think I would be too depressed to get up every day. But right now the only thing which is depressing me is missing my family. I don't want to have to live with them - just visit.
I am not depressed about being unemployed. I know something will happen even if that is giving the bank the house and moving in with my mother. I have more faith now than before. I am trying to be patient and ready and am doing my part. But I am alone a lot. Like before I can't afford to go anywhere or do much of anything. And while I was crocheting for a while I seem uninterested in that. Probably because it's in the 80's and 90's now and will only get hotter. Yeah, THAT is depressing for me.
Sometimes hope is hard to have but most days I'm alright. My mom calls me every day and sends me cards and care packages and even though I tell her how much all that means to me, how it keeps me going, she doesn't really understand how much. She's just doing what a mom does. And it hurts me that she is having to spend her money on me when I should be able to take care of myself financially.
Today I am going to see if I can't find a pattern I'd like to do and make something in crochet. Knitting just takes so long. I made a couple of coasters the other day. That was fun. Maybe I will do that. Those are the only things I have made in a couple weeks (or more).
I am doing alright. Really. Yes, I get lonely but we all do. I am holding on to my faith that all will be alright eventually. Whenever God decides I'm worthy. Not if... I have to believe that it's when. Isn't that why they call it faith?
posted by The Mutant Penguin Herself @ 10:11 AM
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