Monday Musings

There are a lot of things rambling around in my head and heart, some of which I just am not capable of discussing at the moment. There are many changes blowing in the wind, none of which are my makings but which affect me. I can be pro-active and change my own things and hope they're for the best or I can wait and see what happens and deal with it when it happens. Right now I am just incapable of making that decision. Every time I try to look at how I can change things, none of it seems for the better for me. The whole "I work well under pressure" thing doesn't really apply to my personal life. I typically crack under pressure in my own life. I let things happen and later kick myself. But, as I said, I am currently incapable of looking past the next few minutes. Every time I have done that in my life things have blown up and, as my dad used to say, gone to hell in a handbasket. Maybe I was thinking if I collected enough baskets I'd avoid hell. Who knows. Maybe that's why I don't collect baskets anymore.

And since I'm rambling and musing, here's something I want to know... Someone sent me a Barry Manilow CD recently that I love and listen to all the time. Sad love songs are all I can ever listen to and I can't stop. It's like I enjoy listening to things that bring up painful memories. What's with that? Nothing happening romantically in my life so I might as well think about all the awful ones and be grateful I'm not going through that now nor will be in the future? Ugh. What a terrible thought.

Maybe things would be better if I wasn't reminded that there were a couple of points in my life where I could have made a different choice and things would be oh so much better now (or at least I like to think so). Changes in my teens, mostly. One guy I really missed the chance with. I think we all have those in our pasts. Some of you were lucky enough to have actually *had* the chance with them and then, through no fault of your own, it ended. I have a few friends who are lucky enough to have found it and still have it. I think of how happy I am for my friend Sherry and her husband Dave and how, at the same time, I am so incredibly envious. And Susan and Dan. Even Ruth and Chuck. I often wish I could have found that one someone to spend almost 60 years of my life with and still love him and have him love me. Now THAT is something wonderful to see.

Instead I live alone, at the moment anyway, because it's probably for the best. What's the saying... God never gives you more than you can handle. And I believe God never gives you more than you deserve. I am where I am because this is where He has decided I need to be right now, living the way I am.

And then I got to thinking about how sick and tired I am of being a survivor. I want to be able to just say, "I quit!" and do it. But I can't. So that gets me to wondering how in hell I can be such a pessimist about everything if I'm a survivor. Riddle me this, Batman.

I wonder what brings all these thoughts. Perhaps it's my sense of impending doom. The not knowing what to do or how to plan or where to go. I am feeling helpless. My entire life is in someone else's hands. And since those hands threaten to turn into fists that will pound me down yet again, it's time to once again see if maybe God can make better decisions about me than I do. I'd so much rather my fate were in His hands. And I know, ultimately, my fate and life are.

Wouldn't hurt if He'd hug me once in a while, though. Not one bit.