Inspiration

See this picture? Yes, Matt is looking at Grammy like, "What?!? Mom and I are busy!" But, here's something I thought I would post about since it's hard to talk about it with practically everyone.

I am notoriously terrible about taking care of my own health. I refuse to diet because I don't want to spend what life I have being unhappy about food. And I really dislike most veggies. I hate to exercise. My idea of exercise is to walk around at WalMart or Costco and figure out what I want to buy. Costco - the pizza for dinner or cashews? WalMart - cotton yarn or beef jerky? Oddly enough the cashews and jerky aren't as bad for me as you'd think. After I came home from my last doctor visit it was basically either get myself in line and watch what I eat or I might as well write my obit because I'll be needing it a lot sooner than I'd like. No, it's not really my weight although everyone who knows me knows I'm large. It's my blood sugar levels. They have been raging out of control because I refuse to watch what I'm eating. So I promised I would watch and I have. The levels are way, way down to just about where they should be. Now my goal is to cut down on the meds. Unfortunately it's a horrible cycle - you need meds to get the sugar down but the meds make you gain weight which makes your sugar go up so you need more meds... it's really yukky.

Don't get me wrong - I am not dieting. But I'm not eating candy (unless my blood sugar drops and I start to shake which fortunately has only happened a couple of times and even then it's like two squares of a Hershey bar... no, the little bars, not the giant ones!) and I have stayed away from my beloved Ritz crackers. That part is killing me. I do occasionally have something "bad" like a couple slices of pizza or a few potato chips but it's always in moderation and maybe once a week. That will not kill me or make my sugar levels go permanently out of control. I know I can't eat what I want anymore. I have to watch. Not just until the next doctor visit but until my last breath.

Now here's something really sad and I hate to admit this - I don't really care much about myself. Being fat is good for me in that men aren't interested in me physically so they won't bother to get to know me. I've failed twice at marriage and several other times as just romantic relationships. I admit that I am happier alone. So being fat and not having men romantically interested is OK now. Maybe some of this is because I don't think I really deserve good things. But I do. And I'm working to make that happen more often. My self esteem went down the toilet after the last relationship died and then a lot of little things happened that added together could have probably plunged me into deep depression but didn't. I am a survivor. I just don't know when to quit (a problem with the relationships, too, I admit). So instead of letting all that "ruin" me, and instead of letting this giving up what I love to eat "ruin" me (because I can still occasionally have a piece of cake - small - or half of a dessert as long as it's rare instead of the daily occurrence) I have done what I always have done - I am doing what it takes to plunge ahead and make everything work.

Why?

Look at that picture at the front. If that isn't inspiration to live, I don't know what is.