A Rambling, Not A Rant
This truly is not a rant but a rambling. Something was keeping me awake last night. Here's the rambling path my mind was wandering...
Yesterday I had lunch with some co-workers. We try to get together for lunch towards the end of the year. Due to circumstances we ended up meeting at the beginning of this year instead. I had almost nothing to say. The main reason is one I would not mention to the ladies because it is not their fault and they should not feel bad about it. I don't fit in. I will never fit in. They sat there talking about their children (mine are grown and live far away, I see Ally maybe twice a year and haven't seen Andy for going on 3) and their husbands (I've picked 2 wrong choices and now will never find anyone because I have given up) and their lives with their husbands and families and things they do together. I am alone. I will always be alone. I am now the only unmarried person where I work. I will never fit in. I am always the odd one out. My choices have been terrible and as a consequence I am alone.
I am not really unhappy. I am living with people who love me and treat me like family. I have friends. But the truth is I am alone and I have nothing to contribute to groups where being 1 of 2 is the norm. I am, finally, truly, honestly, a Mutant.
So I was thinking about that and then my mind wandered to recent troubling events, one minor which can be fixed (brake lights that don't work - David and Adam are going to try to get them working over the weekened) and one major which cannot (my friends Brooke and Chris have suffered a huge loss - their 27 year old son has died). I am attending a funeral this afternoon and have no words to share with my friends. Yes, I have been there. I, too, have lost a child. But my daughter was a baby. So different. I am wandering down paths where my memories are hurtful and painful and as much as I want to be able to offer some kind of comfort to my friends, I know that at this time there is none. All I can do is be there for them now and later. And I will be. They are wonderful people. I am truly lucky to know them and be allowed to be their friend.
And so at 1am this morning when I was going to get up and post this, I chose not to and instead think on it and decide whether I wanted to post this or not. In the end I decided to because I think whoever reads this needs to know that while I am fairly satisfied with my life, there are times when just being me is hard, just being one.
Today I will attend a funeral. I will come home and have bean soup for dinner and watch "Seems Like Old Times" with my adopted dad and brother. And I will treasure the time. I am not alone, just lonely sometimes. You know the saying that you can be alone in a crowd? Sure you do. Well, I think we all suffer from that now and again. So if I seem a bit withdrawn or you seem a bit withdrawn, I'll understand and I hope you do, too.
Life doesn't always turn out the way you planned. That's probably my favorite line from "While You Were Sleeping" which stars Bill Pullman (a favorite of mine) and Sandra Bullock. Sometimes it's a lot better. Sometimes it just sucks. Mostly, though, it's inbetween.
Yesterday I had lunch with some co-workers. We try to get together for lunch towards the end of the year. Due to circumstances we ended up meeting at the beginning of this year instead. I had almost nothing to say. The main reason is one I would not mention to the ladies because it is not their fault and they should not feel bad about it. I don't fit in. I will never fit in. They sat there talking about their children (mine are grown and live far away, I see Ally maybe twice a year and haven't seen Andy for going on 3) and their husbands (I've picked 2 wrong choices and now will never find anyone because I have given up) and their lives with their husbands and families and things they do together. I am alone. I will always be alone. I am now the only unmarried person where I work. I will never fit in. I am always the odd one out. My choices have been terrible and as a consequence I am alone.
I am not really unhappy. I am living with people who love me and treat me like family. I have friends. But the truth is I am alone and I have nothing to contribute to groups where being 1 of 2 is the norm. I am, finally, truly, honestly, a Mutant.
So I was thinking about that and then my mind wandered to recent troubling events, one minor which can be fixed (brake lights that don't work - David and Adam are going to try to get them working over the weekened) and one major which cannot (my friends Brooke and Chris have suffered a huge loss - their 27 year old son has died). I am attending a funeral this afternoon and have no words to share with my friends. Yes, I have been there. I, too, have lost a child. But my daughter was a baby. So different. I am wandering down paths where my memories are hurtful and painful and as much as I want to be able to offer some kind of comfort to my friends, I know that at this time there is none. All I can do is be there for them now and later. And I will be. They are wonderful people. I am truly lucky to know them and be allowed to be their friend.
And so at 1am this morning when I was going to get up and post this, I chose not to and instead think on it and decide whether I wanted to post this or not. In the end I decided to because I think whoever reads this needs to know that while I am fairly satisfied with my life, there are times when just being me is hard, just being one.
Today I will attend a funeral. I will come home and have bean soup for dinner and watch "Seems Like Old Times" with my adopted dad and brother. And I will treasure the time. I am not alone, just lonely sometimes. You know the saying that you can be alone in a crowd? Sure you do. Well, I think we all suffer from that now and again. So if I seem a bit withdrawn or you seem a bit withdrawn, I'll understand and I hope you do, too.
Life doesn't always turn out the way you planned. That's probably my favorite line from "While You Were Sleeping" which stars Bill Pullman (a favorite of mine) and Sandra Bullock. Sometimes it's a lot better. Sometimes it just sucks. Mostly, though, it's inbetween.
posted by The Mutant Penguin Herself @ 10:10 AM
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