Back in California
Wish I could say "Back Home" but to be honest, this no longer feels like home. I feel like at almost 2am Saturday morning when I walked into the place where my belongings currently reside that it was just a place I am going to temporarily until something else happens to me. What that "something else" might be is anyone's guess. Certainly not mine. I feel like I have almost no control over my life. All I know is I have to go. I am beginning to think that along with the words "dream" and "want", "hope" is supposed to go out of my vocabulary, too.
OK, I am having a depressing day. I have no energy and need to start sorting and throwing and I have done a tiny, tiny bit of that. But a lot of planning of what to get rid of which helps. I think it would be a lot easier for me if I had an idea of where I will be going. But I don't. Right now all I know is I need a storage locker, to move things in there, dispose of at least 50-60% of what I own and hope I can find a place to live. I thought I had something lined up but since my phone calls are not being returned, I am getting more and more depressed and frightened about having nowhere to live or, worse yet, finding a place but not being able to afford it.
I wonder if this is God's way of telling me to give up and go back to New Hampshire. I'd give up but I just don't seem capable of that. Instead, what did I do? I made my Christmas plane reservation to go see Ally, Sean and Matt.
Part of what also is depressing me is that Sean has been laid off and Ally has to go back to work full time. At least one of them got to go to college. And again I will worry about them as much, if not more so, than myself. I don't really care all that much about what happens to me. I care a lot about what happens to them.
To get out of this mood I am going to post about vacation. That was, at least for a little bit, a time of happiness.
OK, I am having a depressing day. I have no energy and need to start sorting and throwing and I have done a tiny, tiny bit of that. But a lot of planning of what to get rid of which helps. I think it would be a lot easier for me if I had an idea of where I will be going. But I don't. Right now all I know is I need a storage locker, to move things in there, dispose of at least 50-60% of what I own and hope I can find a place to live. I thought I had something lined up but since my phone calls are not being returned, I am getting more and more depressed and frightened about having nowhere to live or, worse yet, finding a place but not being able to afford it.
I wonder if this is God's way of telling me to give up and go back to New Hampshire. I'd give up but I just don't seem capable of that. Instead, what did I do? I made my Christmas plane reservation to go see Ally, Sean and Matt.
Part of what also is depressing me is that Sean has been laid off and Ally has to go back to work full time. At least one of them got to go to college. And again I will worry about them as much, if not more so, than myself. I don't really care all that much about what happens to me. I care a lot about what happens to them.
To get out of this mood I am going to post about vacation. That was, at least for a little bit, a time of happiness.
posted by The Mutant Penguin Herself @ 3:14 PM
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