Living Alone, Being Sick and Growing Older

Lately I have done a lot of thinking. This is what happens when you are incapable of doing anything else. I've been sick all week. I can barely make it to work. I come home and collapse, waking long enough to take my night-time medication and then back to sleep. So I got to thinking...

One thing that really sucks about living alone, about being away from family, is when you're sick. I can't tell you how wonderful it would be to have someone who would tuck me in once in a while, talk to me, watch a movie with me - make chicken soup or hot cocoa for me to drink. Instead I stumble to the bathroom only when necessary and am dead like a beached whale in the recliner in front of the tv. I ate a real meal Thursday night and since then I have had nothing but toast or crackers. I promised myself I wouldn't leave the house this weekend so I could rest and recover. Yes, I'm feeling a bit better but I am still exhausted. Tomorrow I must do laundry and get the garbage to the curb. Truth be told, that is about the most I will do on most Sundays anyway unless there is Knitting Circle.

But it would be nice to be able to sit around with my hair sticking straight up, in my nightgown, looking like crap and having some human nearby. I know I might spread what I have but the truth is that it's times like this that suck to live alone.

Christmas alone is easier than being sick alone.

I also go to thinking about what will happen to me when I can no longer be by myself. What if I become disabled and can't drive? Can't work? Can't even change clothes by myself? I have no provisions for a rest home and a hospital will bankrupt me worse than the last marriage did and that was pretty downright terrible! Do I then become a burden to my brother? Will he have to move me across the country and tend to his fat, ailing sister? Oh how I would hate to be that kind of a burden to him... to anyone. But I have been thinking about that.

Being sick and alone makes for misery. Wish I could say I was depressed but I'm not... I'm actually sitting here trying to get healthy so I will be well to be with Ally, Sean and Matt. And yes, I'm sitting here awaiting word that Matt is on his way. Hard to be depressed when you've got such a wonderful event on the horizon... and a wonderful one that has already happened. I don't know what they'll call him but I think of him as AJ. Probably because his dad's older brother was always called RJ by his Grampy Schafer, my dad. I kinda think my dad might like that. But if he's Andrew or Drew or Andy... that's ok, too. I have an Andy myself. Can't wait to see him when I go down south!

So it's nasty to be alone, sick and pondering an unhealthy future but I have stopped the latter and am concentrating on how wonderfully special this holiday season is for my family.

I may be coughing and sounding like a fog horn and blowing my nose and keeping Kleenex in business but I really am happy. Even if I am sick and alone. :)