What In The World?!?

Before I start this let me wish my friend Tammy a very happy birthday. Oh to be young like her! Here's hoping she has a wonderful weekend!

OK, what in the world is going on here?

I am noticing some things I really don't like. I suppose I should start this by saying that I believe a lot of this is because I am stressed out. I have no job, the expectations of granting extensions for unemployment benefits which would include me seem to have faded away and while I have had an interview this week and a test soon and very limited possibilities, I am truly stressed out over the fact that most jobs out there pay LESS than unemployment AND that when my benefits run out January 6, 2012 I will lose my house and be forced to go live back east with my mother and let her support me. I like a quiet lifestyle and hers is very active. And the thought of being my age and having HER support ME when I should be taking care of myself is truly depressing. So all this stress is not helping.

And the dreams. Or should I call them nightmares?

And the overly active imagination.

I have security doors in the front and back of the house now thanks to Christmas money from my brother. Thank you Den! So in the morning when it is cool I open the front door to create a cross breeze in the house with the open kitchen door which I leave open all night. I figure it's safe. I have a lock on the carport gate, a motion sensor light on the edge of the shed that turns on when someone comes near the gate and another outside the kitchen door which, for some reason I cannot figure out, seems to not want to work now. Sometime I will have to figure out what is wrong. I think it's either pointed in the wrong direction or is just on a very long vacation. There is a deadbolt as well as regular lock in the security door. And my side gate has a lock on it. Because it's an old house with a stone foundation the windows are high enough that nobody could just move them and get in. Add to that the fact that I live on a very, very busy main street. Police, fire and ambulances are going by all the time. There is a fire station not too far away and the police station (and sheriff's office 5 minutes away) and the hospital is down the road. And while the house on the corner is empty (foreclosure) I do have neighbors on the other side and there are lights at the corner by the stop sign. All in all this is a pretty secure house is an active neighborhood.

So why the hell am I so scared all the time?

I have had nightmares that now make me practially petrified to go into the kitchen after dark if the door is open. And when I first go to open the door (after dark) my first thought is that when I do I will see the face of a stranger holding a knife or gun out there ready to kill me. Nothing less than kill. I am scared out of my wits. I could probably help that by NOT opening the door but the fact is that when it's horrifically hot and I can't afford to run the air conditioning I have to open the door at night to get some cool air in here. I can't open the windows because most of them don't have screens. Yeah, if I ever get a job and have any money I would love to be able to replace the windows and have the kind with screens you just let down (like mom has) but those are terribly expensive and I'd have to do one room at a time.

Every noise makes me jump and sends my heart racing. Not the sirens or flashing lights or squealing tires or the backfires or gravel spinning from the people not willing to leave the stop sign at less than 60 miles per hour. I am talking about hearing voices of people walking by outside my house. Or cars coming down the alley behind my house. Tonight it sounded like someone was banging wood but it's dark and I cowardly debated whether to go look out the kitchen door (if the motion sensor light is on I can see it BEFORE I get to the kitchen) or if I should just do what I usually do - sit and shake.

I spend my nights cowering in the livingroom or the Yarn Room or my bedroom, usually without the lights. I don't want people to know I'm here. I don't want anyone to come after me.

Now you might think this is because I live alone. Granted, it didn't start when I bought my house and moved in. Yes, it started when I moved into an apartment in Chico in January, 2004 when I first started living alone. Even in the duplex with a neighbor a wall away I would sometimes get scared. Not so much as now, though.

The nightmares are not helping. And I have always had an active imagination. I am always aware, wherever I am, of where I could go that would be the safest if something was to happen. Kind of like defensive driving I consider this my defensive living.

And I love living alone. I love the quiet. I am happy (except for the stress related to no job, expiring income and a future without a light at the moment). I believe that God will provide for me and keep me safe and hopefully help me to not continue to do stupid things and maybe even help me get motivation to not only get more organized, do more cleaning but maybe take better care of my health. I don't seem to be doing a good job of any of that so I've asked God to take over since apparently this is all beyond me.

But I sure would love to be less frightened of life. Just not sure how.