Ramblings of A Mutant Penguin

Matt!

2037-12-24T19:27:00.000-08:00

The Last Day of 2011

2011-12-31T11:03:00.000-08:00

The last day of the year I usually reflect on what the year has brought into my life. It is also the birthday of my oldest nephew, Ryan, who turns 27 today.

This year was nothing at all like I had hoped. I had planned to do some changes around the house including landscaping. I got some of the landscaping done but now see a lot more needs to be done. The repairs in January and February were just enough to get the house refinanced in February to a 30 year loan. I had planned on more repairs in June. I was going to use tax refund money for that and as a downpayment on a new car.

I went to see my mom and other family in New Hampshire in May for Mother's Day. I even got to see Ally and Matt who now live in Connecticut.

At the end of May I ended up having an eye exam and found out I was in very bad shape vision-wise. I scheduled an appointment with a retina specialist.

June brought a lot of pain, physically, emotionally and mentally. I had almost $4,000 worth of laser surgery on my eyes to save my sight. It seems to have worked. I won't really know, though, because I no longer have insurance and can no longer afford to go to a doctor. Why no insurance? Because I was laid off from my job.

The nasty thing they did to me was make me work my severance, two weeks, PART TIME. Because of that and the one week waiting period for unemployment I went almost the entire month of July before I had any income. And had to wait until two days before Christmas for congress to extend the unemployment filing deadlines to get an extension. I will now have benefits through May, 2012 and by then congress should have come to some conclusion so I can get further benefits. Unless I am lucky enough to get a job before then.

In 6 months I have applied for 38 jobs. I do not apply for a job unless it pays more than unemployment since that is just barely enough to pay my bills. I have had tests and interviews and still nothing. I know some of my problem is the way I look - most places don't want a short, fat, plain lady over 50. In the beginning I was terrible at interviews and asked stupid questions. I hadn't had to interview for a job since 2001, 10 years ago. Now I'm better. I try to be more serious and direct and hopefully eventually I will get a job. I have an interview January 3rd for a job which is about 45 minutes away but it pays well and would afford commuting costs.

I believe God did this to me to bring me back to Him. To restore my faith and remind me that He is always there and will provide but I need to have faith and hope. It's worked.

I have found out who my real friends are and who really cares about me. I know that no matter what I am better off not being at the law office. It was stressful and I was not treated very well although the benefits and pay were good. It certainly didn't make up for being snarled at or sneered at or treated with disrespect and to be frank, nobody deserves that kind of nasty treatment. I did nothing wrong. And now I won't be punished for anything from them again. God slammed that door in my face for a good reason. At some point I will have a job, maybe not as well compensated financially, but I will have a job where I am treated like a human being with feelings, with respect, with decency. The joke is sadly true - what do you call a lawyer at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.

I spent Thanksgiving and Christmas with Susan and her family. I had lunch with Amy on my birthday. Tammy and I email but as her duties at work increase we can't do that as often and I haven't seen her in a while. But these local friends help me stay together. My dear friend Jeannie who has known me since I was 17 sent me a Christmas present that made my heart swell and my smile wide. Torse, another longtime friend, calls to check up on me, too.

I do not have a job but I have many blessings. I have family and friends, unemployment income to help me until I find a job. God will bless me with the right job, hopefully before unemployment runs out.

I have faith and hope. I have a roof over my head, warm clothing, food in the fridge, coffee in the pot, yarn and needles and hooks to craft and a car that may look worn but works well. I have music in my soul. I have love coming in and going out. I am truly blessed. The job is the only missing blessing but I know that will come in time.

It has not been the year I anticipated. I thought turning 55 would be continuing down the path not starting over. But if this is what God has planned for me I can't do anything but go along with it and accept that He knows best. Apparently I needed some major changes and that has happened. Maybe now I am ready for the best that is yet to be. I hope so.

May 2012 bring everyone love, enlightenment, happiness and prosperity. Count your blessings every day, several times a day if you can, and remember them. Hold them in your heart and mind. And remember - even when you feel alone and unloved God is there holding your hand and loving you. Really. I know that now.

Updating and Merry Christmas!

2011-12-24T09:48:00.000-08:00

I hope by now everyone knows that the unemployment extension for 2 months has been passed and is law! Yippie! This means, according to the unemployment department, that because it is an extension of what is already in place, when they file for my extension on January 6, 2012 I will be eligible for 20 (!) more weeks of unemployment benefits. This is time enough for congress to put together whatever schedule they're going to and I won't be out of benefits before they make a new schedule. My hope is that they keep the 99 weeks but I keep hearing it will be 79. If this is true I will have another 33 weeks past and it will take me into November, 2012 which will give me another 9 months to find a job on top of the 6 I have already had. It gives me time to wait until the sheriff's office is done and makes hiring decisions. While there is no guarantee I will be offered a job (lots of hope, though!) at least I can wait and stay living in my house and paying my bills.

I had said I would put up my Christmas tree if I had an extension or job. Well with only 2 days left I decided that hauling it downstairs then back up again in just that short time wasn't worth the physical effort. I have a beautiful little ceramic Christmas tree made by a family member which I have had out most of the month. I light it every night. I am actually thinking I will keep it out year-round to remind me of the blessing I received at Christmas this year of the extension to allow me to, hopefully, find a job before my benefits expire again.

I obviously could not buy gifts for anyone this year. I made a convertible cowl for my mother that is like a scarf that goes around her neck but you pull the back up as a hood. I had told her that would need to suffice as her Christmas present. I sent my brother, grandson and daughter $20 cash (and $20 for my grandson's 5th birthday which is TODAY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY MATT!!). My mother had sent it to me and said that she felt bad I couldn't do anything so she wanted me to have a little money to give them so the cards wouldn't be empty. Yes, that made me cry. I probably could have done that myself. I do have a little savings set aside. I also have money put aside that was given to me for my birthday which I could have used. She didn't want me to do that. Yesterday after the good news I was visiting my friend Amy and she wanted to go to the movies. I bought her ticket and told her it was part of her Christmas present. I made a convertible cowl for a friend here who is always cold as her present, too. I made coasters for another friend. I have no money but I have yarn and can knit and crochet.

I feel truly blessed this Christmas season. I will be able to stay in my house and keep looking for a job to KEEP me in my house. I have loving family and friends. I even have some presents waiting to be opened. A friend from college who has known me for 38 years sent me a present and card so I would know I was thought of and missed. Thank you Jeannie!

I sit here this morning drinking my favorite coffee,writing this on my clunkly old computer in the warmth of a house that has my name on the deed and mortgage. I am warm within my heart. I am feeling loved and cared for and wanted. Not just by my friends and family but I feel that God has hugged me and reassured me that things will be alright.

Christmas is a season of miracles. May you have your share, too.

Merry Christmas everyone!

An Email

2011-12-20T23:13:00.000-08:00

I sent the following email to Tom McClintock, the congressman who represents my district.

"My benefits expire January 6th. Thanks to no extension I will lose my home, be forced to move 3500 miles to live with and be supported by my elderly mother. I interviewed for a good job but the background check takes 2 months. I won't be here when they finally are able to offer me the job. I will lose everything I have worked for my whole life. All because with 35 years of experience and a bachelor's degree I could not find a job in California in 6 months in a county with a double digit unemployment rate. I'm sure you'll have a merry Christmas. I'll be preparing to leave California, my friends, my house, my belongings, my hope and my dreams. I'm a conservative Republican. Maybe that will be a positive when I move across the country. I am sorry you care more about politics than the people you are supposed to represent. As Lily Tomlin used to say as the phone lady, your response is "We don't care. We don't have to.""

(Am I angry - damned right I'm angry!)

Thank You Congress - A Very Un-Merry Christmas

2011-12-20T21:43:00.000-08:00

This will indeed be a very un-merry Christmas for me.

First let me say thank you to the members of congress who so diligently worked to ensure that their paychecks would still be flowing at the beginning of the new year. While they sit at home with their families admiring the large stacks of expensive presents under their trees, or perhaps for some, new cars in the driveway, I will be making my own list but not for presents. I will be making a list of what few things I will be able to save out of my house before I have to turn the keys over to the bank and the rest of my belongings to friends or charities.

Next let me say I appreciate how concered the members of congress are for the millions of unemployed Americans. Yes, in an economy where unemployment is in the double digits it IS possible to get a job that pays a liveable wage within 6 months. It must be MY fault that I have no job.

Thirdly, I would like to thank congress for making me financially dependent on my 77 (to be 78 in February) year old mother in a very cold climate. I am sure she pictured the last years of her life as the sole provider for her 55 year old daughter.

Fourth, and final, I would like to thank congress for allowing a diabetic with bad arthritis and no health insurance to go live in that cold climate where within a few years I will be crippled and living in a wheelchair.

I am sorry, members of congress, that I brought this upon myself. My bachelor's degree and 35 years of work experience just aren't enough.

Please enjoy your warm homes and the food you will eat. From the beginning of 2012 and until she passes away, mine will be provided by my mother. You have created no jobs which will allow me to take care of myself. You have provided no extension of unemployment benefits which would have given me more than the 6 months California gave me to keep looking for a job.

Oh, one final thank you to congress. Because your politics were more important I cannot stay in my house long enough to find out if I will have the job I interviewed for in mid-November which needs to do an extensive background check which takes probably 2 months. I cannot wait out until you pass an extension in, what, say February? Or perhaps that will be how long before I could possibly have word on that job. By the time they try to call and offer me the job I will be gone because I cannot live on $0.

Thank you for a very un-merry Christmas members of congress. I know God will provide for me as well as my family. At least I can count on them for POSITIVE support. My thanks to you will be reflected in my voting in November. I'm sure you won't care, though. You'll still have your homes, your cars, your money in the bank and good credit ratings. You'll still have insider information to use to make even more money. And you'll still have the American dream which you took away from me.

Merry Christmas Congress and thank you. I always dreamt that I would spend the last years of my life mired in depression and poor health and dependent on family for food and shelter. You have made my dream come true.

Just Before Christmas Update

2011-12-18T11:53:00.000-08:00

I haven't done an update lately and it's just a week before Christmas so I suppose I should write something.

No word from the Sheriff's office. Who knows how long they'll be or if I'll ever even hear from them. Asking at the county only generates a "we're working on it" response.

I had applied for a secretarial job with the Office of Education but in June I had interviewed with them for a similar job in a different department, up against only 3 other people, and didn't get the job. Probably because I stupidly asked about things like benefits and it was obvious that they did NOT want me to ask questions. So I am thinking perhaps the BCOE (Butte County Office of Education) saw I had interviewed, read the notes and will never give me another chance. I was very depressed after getting the email from them that said, "no thanks".

So basically there was nothing positive happening. I did find one job to apply for that is a half hour commute one way but pays enough to support me and the commuting. The application should get to them Monday. This is the first job in a month and a half that I could apply for that not only did I qualify for but it paid enough to live on.

Congress has extended uenmployment extensions for another two months. I believe they are using the current plan. If this is true, when my benefits run out and I get an extension it will be for 20 weeks. I am calling the unemployment office tomorrow to verify not only this but to make sure I don't have to do anything to get the extension or, if I do, what I need to do. My benefits expire January 6th.

I will spend Christmas with Susan and her family. I feel terrible that I cannot purchase Christmas presents for anyone. I couldn't do anything for Matt's birthday, either. He turns 5 on the day before Christmas. And I forgot to send his parents an anniversary card so I need to apologize for that. Their anniversary is Christmas.

My mom sent me a box with some wrapped presents to put under the tree. My dear friend Jeannie sent me a present, too! And Amy says she has something for me so I will go pick that up when I am in town Wednesday. I wish I could do something for her. She is very supportive of me through all this mess.

Even if the extension only takes me to the end of February it's something and a help. I will keep looking and applying for work.

I did not put the tree up or do much in terms of decorating. I did a small amount. I have my ceramic tree out and light it every night. My presents sit on the floor in front of the little table holding the tree. I had said that if I had a job or an extension before Christmas I would put up the big tree but my knees have convinced me that going upstairs to haul the tree down is probably not a good idea.

Oh, and here's something fun - one of the springs came off my recliner which lifts the foot rest. Hopefully my friend Alma will be here sometime to help me fix it - she said she would but she's very busy now between part time work and volunteering. I am glad she has found a way to work, volunteer, have enough income and be happy. Sure hope sometime it's my turn!

I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas and a nice New Year. I have a reprieve for a while. Not sure if it's 8 weeks or 20 but, as I said, anything helps.

Here's hoping 2012 will bring me the blessing of a job. And good things for all!

Job Update - Still No Good News

2011-11-25T21:28:00.001-08:00

Well nothing good seems to be happening.

I ended up in group 5 of 7 for the welfare worker job which means no interview.

I ended up tied for #6 for the typist job with the school district which means no interview.

I received a letter today from the hospital saying thanks for the interview but we're not interested.

If the Sheriff's Office says no then that's it. I think I am done here.

Update, Finally

2011-11-12T11:22:00.000-08:00

I know I haven't posted for almost a month. There really hasn't been a lot to update but here's the latest anyway.

1. The mice are gone. It would appear everything worked. Finally.
2. There is some movement on the job search. I have applied at the local hospital but heard nothing which isn't surprising. Some of the jobs have been vacant for months. This indicates to me that the "DOE" salary designation means Dependent On Economy, not Experience, which means minimum wage.
3. This week I took a written exam for a typist job that was tougher than the test for a much more complicated job. If I do not get invited to the oral exam that wouldn't surprise me. There were at least 35 people taking the test for 25 oral exam slots.
4. This coming Friday I have an interview with the Sheriff's Department for a Correctional Technician job. This is a lot more than just a clerical job. I read the description again and there's a lot of interaction with the public, prisoners etc. which leads me to believe this is a uniformed job that is more correctional than technician. Still it is nearby and would be a good job and I think the fact I am willing to work any shift might help. I just need to make sure I am very serious and professional in the interview.
5. Wednesday of this week I will be taking a test for the welfare worker jobs the county has open. They have 33 slots. So here's hoping I do well on that. I would take that job, too. It's in Oroville just like the Sheriff's job.
6. Attitude adjustment.

OK here's what #6 is all about. I have been doing nothing but worrying about the lack of a job or extension for my unemployment. I decided I couldn't keep living in a constant state of stress. God will provide. Somehow. Hopefully with a job but in any case something will happen. So I am going along day to day acting as if something positive will happen and believing, praying, hoping and so I am not as stressed out and I am managing better. I still have periods of panic but a lot less.

The electric company has a program for the poor and low income that reduces the rates they are charged (I believe it's a 20% discount). Well there is an agency here which provides energy efficiency upgrades for people on that program. They came and added energy efficient lightbulbs everywhere and a few next fixtures. They will be replacing my kitchen door, weatherproofing the front door better (they don't like how it is now even though I paid to have that fixed in January). They will probably put foam behind the outlets and light switches like they did at Alma's house. Anyway, whenever they schedule (which I hope is soon) it will be good.

So far I have no plans for Thanksgiving. Usually I go to Susan's parents' house in Gridley but I won't go without an invitation and I haven't gotten one yet. I know that usually it's implied but I've not been invited to a lot of stuff by them over the past year so I don't want to intrude. I will mention something to Susan next week but I don't want her to feel she has to invite me if she doesn't want to. I expect to be alone on Christmas. Just like my birthday. And every other holiday. Just me. My friends have family and plans. I don't expect them to include me. And I don't want an invitation out of pity. I choose to be alone, for the most part. Well circumstances make it that way, too.

I see friends fairly often. That helps keep me going. Emotionally it's hard to not work, to not make a contribution, to not feel necessary to anyone. But at some point I will get a job or I will move in with my mother and either the job or Mom will need me. I am not worrying about it. Somehow I will get through all this, right God?

I'm a lot luckier than a lot of people. I remember that and count my blessings daily. Life could always be worse (and has been in the past).

Cruel?

2011-10-15T08:12:00.000-07:00

Alright after posting about the mouse someone commented (and yes, I deleted it) that it was cruel of me to just put the mouse in the garbage and that it was cruel to use a glue trap. OK, I live in the city. Should I just put it outside to come back in? Maybe you'd like me to just leave my house so the mice can have it. The fact is that I never had a problem until the house next door became vacant due to foreclosure. So I'm supposed to be uncomfortable living in my house because the neighbors couldn't pay their mortgage? Maybe you'd like me to stop the regular pest control and invite the tons of ants that house has into mine, too. C'mon, let's be practical here. Mice do not belong in my house. I understand that it's not a pleasant way for them to die. I'm sorry about that. But I won't use any of those terrible traps that spring something down to trap their feet or crush their neck. I think that is horrific. And just so you know there was food in the trash for the mouse to eat. The only thing is that there's no way out.

OK, maybe it's cruel. If you want to call me names because I want to be able to live in my house free of fear of mice then go ahead. I am truly petrified of mice. My only choice outside of getting rid of the mice is to leave.

And yes, I have called my pest control to have them come look into it and take care of the problem if possible. If you think I enjoy being cruel, you're wrong. I don't. But if it's me or the mice, I pick me.

An Update; The Penguin's A Chicken, the Mouse and "Senior" Citizens

2011-10-14T09:18:00.000-07:00

OK first a general update. I have had a few interviews and tested for some jobs but the results are the same - the job has gone to someone else. Monday of this week I tested for a job which has up to 8 openings which might help except that there were at least 80 people testing to get an interview. In my testing session of about 40 people only 1 looked to be older than me and that's because he was retirement age. Still no extension, no word on if there will be so without a job or extension I am officially S.O.L. as my dad would say. I am still applying and trying hard not to be discouraged but it's not easy.

And then there was yesterday...

I had security doors put on the front and back of the house. I've been keeping the one at the back (kitchen) open at night to let cooler air in. We got another hot spell so I was doing that again. Typically I close it in the morning but the past couple of days I have left it open a long time. Yesterday that was a mistake.

I was going into Chico to meet my friends from my old workplace for a late birthday lunch (yes, my birthday was Tuesday of this week). I had a meeting at 5:30pm so I thought inbetween I would get my mail and go to a movie. I had time. I was watching "CSI" which I had recorded on the DVR the night before. All of a sudden I see scurrying from the kitchen end of the house into the livingroom by the wall and the dvd rack there an extremely unwanted house guest - a mouse! I screamed. A lot. Many times. There are really only 2 things I can't tolerate - snakes and any kind of vermin. When my kids wanted a hamster or gerbil for a pet it was not allowed. Truly, those petrify me worse than snakes.

I had to go to lunch. I didn't know what to do. The darn thing was incredibly fast. It wasn't big at all but I saw it and hated it and was deathly afraid. So I grabbed my stuff and left the house. I went to WalMart before lunch (it was nearby) and bought glue traps. Basically hard plastic or cardboard with glue on it. As much as I hated to waste the gas going home between meetings I did so because I was hoping if I put them down the mouse would get caught on one while I was gone then I could dump it and sleep peacefully.

When I came home the glue traps were empty and I was still petrified. I kept the broom and a flashlight with me and slept on the futon in the Tile Room. I can admit I didn't sleep very well.

This morning I started the coffee in an effort to put it off as long as possible. Finally I turned on the diningroom light for courage as I went down the hall towards the livingroom. I stopped in the hallway by the light switch to the diningroom because I was too afraid to go further. I shone the flashlight down the hall into the livingroom. I had put one of the glue traps in the doorway to the hallway where the Yarn Room, my bedroom and bathroom are located because it had scurried that way before I left for lunch. I had 2 outside my bedroom and 1 outside the Yarn Room. The bathroom was clear as far as I could tell (I had actually been brave enough to go in there). I had put one by the dvd rack in the livingroom because that was where I had seen him scurry into the house. So the hair on my arms went straight up and my skin started to crawl when I saw the glue trap by the dvd rack moving with the mouse attached. Ugh!

I had originally planned that if I got the mouse on one of the glue traps I would use the broom to push it into a plastic bag. Well that sounded good to me. In actuality what happened is the darn thing got attached to the bag with some of the glue. OK. Fine. I decide I'll take it outside that way. I get to the kitchen and as I am unlocking the door the trap falls off the plastic bag, mouse side down. I finished unlocking the door, put my sandals on that I keep by the back door (I am still in my nightgown!) and using the dustpan I scoop the trap and mouse into the dustpan mouse side down.

I have a lock on the sliding gate of my carport. Here I am trying to undo the lock with one hand while the trap is moving around on the dustpan. Creepy, creepy, let's get this over with! The neighbors have a cat who either chased the mouse towards my house or just didn't do the job the cat is intended to do. They also leave their garbage cans in the alley. I opened their garbage can (already 3/4 full!) and dumped the trap and mouse in there. Sadly it came mouse side up and I slammed the lid and hurried back to my carport where I quickly shut and locked the gate.

Now the unwanted guest is gone and I don't have to worry about that one returning. But I truly, truly hate mice. There is a small gap between the bottom of the security door and the ground and I am positive that is how it got in. It was small enough to do that. So I am going to be more careful about leaving the door open for long periods of time.

And now for the bit about "senior" citizens.

I turned 55 this week. Oh gads. Most places have a "senior citizens" discount. Last night at the restaurant I ordered off the senior menu. My meal, including coffee, after adding in tax was still less than just the meal on the regular menu. Considering I am unemployed the discount was welcome, if not embarassing.

I am not a senior citizen. I am not retired. I will never be retired. And without a job or extension in January I will getting rid of what I can from my house, packing what I can in a UHaul and moving in with my mother to let her support me since at that point it will be obvious I am incapable of supporting myself. But if this is God's plan for me as much as I don't want it, I will have no choice.

But I am continuing to apply for anything that pays enough to cover my bills. And praying. And hoping congress remembers that their little deadlines to file for extensions work for everyone except those who are recently unemployed. That would be me.

Time to get back to the job search. Wish me luck. And say a prayer for me, too. Thanks.

What In The World?!?

2011-09-23T21:35:00.000-07:00

Before I start this let me wish my friend Tammy a very happy birthday. Oh to be young like her! Here's hoping she has a wonderful weekend!

OK, what in the world is going on here?

I am noticing some things I really don't like. I suppose I should start this by saying that I believe a lot of this is because I am stressed out. I have no job, the expectations of granting extensions for unemployment benefits which would include me seem to have faded away and while I have had an interview this week and a test soon and very limited possibilities, I am truly stressed out over the fact that most jobs out there pay LESS than unemployment AND that when my benefits run out January 6, 2012 I will lose my house and be forced to go live back east with my mother and let her support me. I like a quiet lifestyle and hers is very active. And the thought of being my age and having HER support ME when I should be taking care of myself is truly depressing. So all this stress is not helping.

And the dreams. Or should I call them nightmares?

And the overly active imagination.

I have security doors in the front and back of the house now thanks to Christmas money from my brother. Thank you Den! So in the morning when it is cool I open the front door to create a cross breeze in the house with the open kitchen door which I leave open all night. I figure it's safe. I have a lock on the carport gate, a motion sensor light on the edge of the shed that turns on when someone comes near the gate and another outside the kitchen door which, for some reason I cannot figure out, seems to not want to work now. Sometime I will have to figure out what is wrong. I think it's either pointed in the wrong direction or is just on a very long vacation. There is a deadbolt as well as regular lock in the security door. And my side gate has a lock on it. Because it's an old house with a stone foundation the windows are high enough that nobody could just move them and get in. Add to that the fact that I live on a very, very busy main street. Police, fire and ambulances are going by all the time. There is a fire station not too far away and the police station (and sheriff's office 5 minutes away) and the hospital is down the road. And while the house on the corner is empty (foreclosure) I do have neighbors on the other side and there are lights at the corner by the stop sign. All in all this is a pretty secure house is an active neighborhood.

So why the hell am I so scared all the time?

I have had nightmares that now make me practially petrified to go into the kitchen after dark if the door is open. And when I first go to open the door (after dark) my first thought is that when I do I will see the face of a stranger holding a knife or gun out there ready to kill me. Nothing less than kill. I am scared out of my wits. I could probably help that by NOT opening the door but the fact is that when it's horrifically hot and I can't afford to run the air conditioning I have to open the door at night to get some cool air in here. I can't open the windows because most of them don't have screens. Yeah, if I ever get a job and have any money I would love to be able to replace the windows and have the kind with screens you just let down (like mom has) but those are terribly expensive and I'd have to do one room at a time.

Every noise makes me jump and sends my heart racing. Not the sirens or flashing lights or squealing tires or the backfires or gravel spinning from the people not willing to leave the stop sign at less than 60 miles per hour. I am talking about hearing voices of people walking by outside my house. Or cars coming down the alley behind my house. Tonight it sounded like someone was banging wood but it's dark and I cowardly debated whether to go look out the kitchen door (if the motion sensor light is on I can see it BEFORE I get to the kitchen) or if I should just do what I usually do - sit and shake.

I spend my nights cowering in the livingroom or the Yarn Room or my bedroom, usually without the lights. I don't want people to know I'm here. I don't want anyone to come after me.

Now you might think this is because I live alone. Granted, it didn't start when I bought my house and moved in. Yes, it started when I moved into an apartment in Chico in January, 2004 when I first started living alone. Even in the duplex with a neighbor a wall away I would sometimes get scared. Not so much as now, though.

The nightmares are not helping. And I have always had an active imagination. I am always aware, wherever I am, of where I could go that would be the safest if something was to happen. Kind of like defensive driving I consider this my defensive living.

And I love living alone. I love the quiet. I am happy (except for the stress related to no job, expiring income and a future without a light at the moment). I believe that God will provide for me and keep me safe and hopefully help me to not continue to do stupid things and maybe even help me get motivation to not only get more organized, do more cleaning but maybe take better care of my health. I don't seem to be doing a good job of any of that so I've asked God to take over since apparently this is all beyond me.

But I sure would love to be less frightened of life. Just not sure how.

How Do You Say...

2011-09-15T11:33:00.000-07:00

"I love you" to those you love? Here's a clue...

You don't ignore them.
You don't act like they don't exist.

Instead you might try this...

Call them. Let them know you're thinking about them and are concerned. Not out of obligation. Out of LOVE.

If you're far apart at least once a week make sure they're still alive. I have set up an "I'm OK" system with another friend who lives alone. Unlike me, however, she has family nearby who DOES check on her weekly. I do not.

If you haven't heard from me in a while does it ever occur to you that I might have died? Do you remember that I'm diabetic? That I have no health insurance? That I no longer have a job where people see me on a daily basis or who would miss me if I didn't show up? That I am probably the most depressed I have ever been except for the period where my baby daughter died? That all it takes to make my day is the sound of your voice? Or an email that says "hi"? Just to know you care. That I exist. That I matter to someone.

I email my friend Tammy every day. I talk to Amy on the phone every day. I know they care about me. My friend Alma calls every couple of days. I haven't seen her in a month but we talk and email a lot. Sometimes I email other people like Jo or Vicky or Merry. I apologize that I can't always be upbeat. I am NOT rising above this misery in my life. I am trying. But not doing all that well. I am trying to have hope in a situation that generates no hope. And after a while nobody really wants to hear it anymore. It's just a case of "get over it" or "move on". Except that is easier said than done.

It is easier to handle the day to day hard things with support, knowing people care about you and love you and are there for you.

How do you say "You matter to me"?

You might want to think about that. After a while even the most persistent person stops banging their heart against the wall when they don't get a response. Even me.

Advice

2011-09-02T11:34:00.000-07:00

Someone gave me some advice today which the same person had given me a couple of months ago when I first became unemployed. Today, as in the past, it made me depressed.

This person is a friend and means well. I know that. And this person is probably correct. It's just something that is painful and I just can't face yet.

I've been told that I should already be starting to dispose of my household contents to prepare to leave my house behind and go live with my mother.

Yes, it's dismal out there. No jobs. No hope of jobs. And lucky me, so far all I get is 6 months of unemployment, no extension. Really great for those of us laid off after June 1, 2011. Sorry, you were laid off May 30, 2011 so you get 2 years of unemployment benefits. June 1, 2011 gets you 6 months. Yup, that's really fair.

I know all this and I try not to think about it or dwell on it because my entire future is totally uncertain. There is no hope, no security, not even any real way to feel better about any of this so I live day to day and don't plan much beyond the next couple of hours.

The suggestion that I need to get moving on disposing of my household hurt. I wanted to go straight to bed and cry myself to sleep. But I don't cry anymore. That's a luxury for people who have something they can lose. I am already resigning myself to the fact that there isn't anything there for me and what little I have is totally temporary. I don't want to live in a depressed state and I'm not in denial but I am not sure that advice like that does anything to help me prepare or cope emotionally.

It's hard to live when you feel hopeless. I pray a lot. I look for help and guidance and reassurance and at the moment there is only silence. I try to keep happy in words and actions because that is what is expected of me. It's not easy. And so please, don't give me this advice again and tell me it's for my own good. You think I don't already know I need to be letting go of life as I know it? I do. Instead of giving me this kind of advice how about a hug instead? I sure could use one of those.

Interview Tips

2011-09-02T11:25:00.000-07:00

Here are some tips I have gathered from what to do or not do concerning an interview.

1. Wear simple jewelry. Don't wear big hoop earrings or dangling bracelets.

2. Don't use too much makeup and avoid eyes that look like Elizabeth Taylor in the movie "Cleopatra" or Tammy Faye Baker Messner. Go look her up if you have to and you'll see what I mean. (This is no problem for me since my idea of makeup is to put on some lipstick.)

3. Even if you wear a necklace with a cross on it every day, don't wear it to the interview. Or any religious symbol. That way you don't offend anyone's religion, including your own.

4. I used to always wear a white shirt, black pants and a black jacket with black shoes. Well I found out if you wear a jacket you are always overdressed. Stick to something simple but flattering. For instance, a dress isn't typically flattering for me because I am short and fat. But a matching shirt and skirt set looks good.

5. Always arrive early.

6. At the end of the interview when you are asked if you have any questions you should never inquire about: a) salary, b) benefits, c) hours, d) anything else that makes it sound like you're more interested in what you GET from the job than what you can GIVE to the job.

7. Fold your hands and cross your ankles.

8. Remember your manners. Say "thank you".

9. Before you get to the interview do the personal things you need to do such as using the restroom, blowing your nose or clearing your throat.

10. Answer the questions as YOU, not as who they're looking for to fit the job. If YOU fit the job that will show. Be genuine, don't pause too long before you answer and don't, under any circumstance, lie.

If you're lucky enough to get an interview which is a huge step towards getting the job, try not to be your own worst enemy.

I'm still working on that one.

I Was Taught...

2011-08-20T11:08:00.001-07:00

don't say anything if you don't have anything good to say. So...

July Ends With A Whimper

2011-07-31T08:56:00.000-07:00

Today it has been 24 years since my daughter Shannon died. July 31st is never a good day for me. Add to it depression over too much heat, no job, no prospects, no cash to do much of anything and all my friends being otherwise busy today so I'll be alone and it really does not look like it will be a day of anything but a whimper. So I will do laundry, see about cleaning the floors and make my plans for tomorrow. Try to keep busy. Do some job hunting.

Sure hope August brings me something good. I could certainly use it.

UGH!

2011-07-23T09:18:00.000-07:00

OK apparently I'm running into an issue with censoring. I tried to post something and it's not liked. It wasn't good about this host. Maybe I'll end up losing this blog, too, like my Crafty Rantings. 7 years of blogging gone.

Unemployment in my county is at 14.1% with 14,000 out of work. Still looking, though.

July Ramblings

2011-07-06T05:43:00.000-07:00

We've had at least 5 days with temps over 100. My electric bill is going to be way higher than I can afford, especially now that I'm unemployed. Am trying to not run the AC but it is miserable.

I've applied for a couple more jobs. Of the 3 that I interviewed for before the old job ended, one thanked me for interviewing and hired someone else. Then I never heard for a second interview for one of them which means I didn't get it. The third job I just never heard anything at all. I was up against 2 other people for that job. Nothing. Discouraging.

Here's something even worse, though. It is amazing how many people out there are scum. I got scammed and my name and phone number (which used to be unlisted but is no longer since I can't afford the $1.25/month) got passed along to scammers. Oh, and my email address, too. I can't change either because that's what's on the resumes I've sent out.

Every 2 hours, every day during the week, I get a phone call from a scammer asking me about my application to go back to school. I keep telling them that I did not sign up for anything, am not interested and to remove my number. Hasn't gotten me anywhere. So next time my caller ID has the number I am reporting them as harassing to the phone company.

Last night I got an email telling me that in order to be considered for the human resources support position I applied for I needed to click the link and provide them with my credit report. No phone number to call to verify who they are and I did NOT apply to them nor would I *ever* provide my personal information or a credit report. That is the employer's obligation. Definitely a scam.

So I have no income and have to deal with harassing phone calls and emails from people who want to steal my identity or money or both. Hello! You want to steal the identity of someone with NO INCOME?!?! How stupid is that!

Alma is being helpful and encouraging and trying to get me through until I can get an unemployment check at the end of the month. I filed my claim on the 30th but haven't heard from them yet. Probably next week.

Today Alma is taking me into Chico since she has to go anyway (I think she timed that on purpose so I wouldn't use the gas). She won't let me do anything for her in return but I will find a way to do something for her. She is always helping me with things. Yesterday she came over and pulled the screen off the roof that is outside my bedroom window. It's one of those that is attached to the house outside the window sill, not a fits-in-the-window-frame screen. Anyway it does make a huge difference in the warmth of the room (usually if it's under 90).

It's hard to keep my chin up. I know that technically I have only been unemployed for 3 business days but there is nothing out there. If my mom didn't call me every day I'd be in really bad shape. She's my biggest emotional support system now. Susan, Alma and my friend Tammy from my old job are a big help, too. I pray that I can find a job to support myself. I can't apply for anything that pays less than unemployment which adds to the difficulty.

For now I just pray and try to smile. I think about the beautiful roses Ernie gave me my last day of work. Ernie is a really sweet man. He once offered me a job but he does litigation and I prefer probate. He's one of the better attorneys in that firm. John's been helpful, too. The other 3 could care less. I know that I'm expendable to a lot of people. That's just the way it is. But to have one person in particular be practically jumping for joy at the prospect of ruining me, well that hurts.

There has to be something better out there for me. At least I pray there is.

In the meantime I am going to just keep trying. It's all I can do. If you feel like saying "hi", please do. You don't need a reason. Just knowing I'm not alone in the universe helps. And say a prayer for me. My vision is good. Now if I could just get a job.

Life Changes

2011-06-20T06:31:00.000-07:00

I am having laser treatments on both eyes because the veins in them are bleeding and it has to be stopped. Result of diabetes. So far it's going OK. But I am having to get it done quickly while I still have insurance (through the end of this month) because...

After 11 years with the law firm (total), they are eliminating my position. I am the only employee who is single with just one income. I've looked for jobs and interviewed but the first job went to someone with lower salary requirements. I haven't heard about the other because I don't think they're done interviewing. I have another interview this week. The sad thing is I need a job that pays me at least $13 hour and there is nothing out there. Anything less won't support my house. Unemployment will but just barely. I am cutting everything I can but the truth is...

Things look very dismal. I am starting to make emergency plans. I found myself driving into work today and thinking that at least the car was paid for so I'd have somewhere to live if I could find somewhere to park. I am trying not to be depressed but it's hard. There just aren't jobs out there. And $5,000 of my savings (pretty much everything) will have to go for the eye stuff since that's my deductible.

So I am going to try to pick myself up and move ahead. It won't be easy. Be patient with me.

Final Pictures

2011-05-30T11:42:00.001-07:00

Den, Mom and me. I try to get one of these pictures every time I visit.

The other is Matt and Andrew playing air hockey at Chuck E. Cheese. That was a fun afternoon. We did that Tuesday before Ally, Sean and Matt headed back to Connecticut.

It was a good Mother's Day vacation. Hopefully I will continue to be employed and in decent health (both are questionable at the moment!) so I can have my two week vacation in New Hampshire in October. Time will tell. Right now it's time to get on the treadmill. If I don't do something soon while there's still time, who knows what will happen. I'm trying not to think about the large not-good things looming in my future. One day at a time. Enjoy the good memories. Plan for an uncertain future. Best we can do, right?

More Pictures

2011-05-30T11:27:00.001-07:00

I couldn't resist buying this shirt for Matt. Get him started NOW and make him as big a fan of Paul Pierce as Grammy! hehe

And here's a picture of the four generations. Mom, Me, Ally and Matt. In order! That wasn't really planned.

Time To Catch Up

2011-05-30T10:59:00.000-07:00

My brother's grandson, Andrew, says it's hard to be 4. See.

Ally, Sean and Matt came to visit at my Mom's house Sunday night through Tuesday later afternoon. It was nice to see them. Now that they live on the east coast the only time I will probably see them is when I visit my mom. Here are a couple of pictures:

The Answer To The Mystery

2011-05-29T08:28:00.000-07:00

The Robert Parish card was from Nancy, the lady I just did a profile swap with from www.swap-bot.com where I do a lot of my swapping. I had found out she had recently moved to Maine where I used to live. So I sent her an email with a personal update about my past and included the fact that I was a huge Celtics fan including Robert Parish. Somehow she arranged to have that card sent to me. HOW GREAT IS THAT!!

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, NANCY!

SURPRISE!

2011-05-28T07:47:00.000-07:00

I will download the pictures from my camera from vacation and blog. I have a long weekend so there should be no excuse. But I just MUST share this because I am so excited and happy!!

When I picked up my mail yesterday I had an envelope with a return address in North Carolina but no name. Inside was a laminated NBA Hoops card of ROBERT PARISH!!!!! He is one of my absolute favorite Celtics players! I do not know who sent this to me but I am THANKFUL and HAPPY and YOU MADE MY DAY!!!

I will write a little thank you note to whoever sent me this but what a great way to start my long weekend!!

THANK YOU!!

Late Night Before Vacation

2011-05-05T23:28:00.000-07:00

I will be leaving the house at 2:30am to head for the airport. I am going to New Hampshire to spend Mother's Day with my Mom. And maybe a few other little surprises.

As usual I have not slept much. I am tired. So I am going to brew the pot of coffee I have ready, take a shower, get dressed and load the car. Then maybe play on the computer for a while, watch tv and wait.

I bought a portable DVD player to take with me this time. It plays DVDs and music CDs. I loaded a bunch into a little carrying case I bought for the occasion. It has a 5 hour battery which was a big factor. And it was on sale. That never hurts. hehe

So glad work is over for now! It was a slow, heavy week. Especially today.

Really anxious to get there. And for Mother's Day. Just hoping I can get some sleep somewhere along the way!

What I Learned About Myself This Winter

2011-04-23T21:17:00.000-07:00

Not new - I like to make small projects in knit or crochet.
New - I am still capable of tackling bigger projects. I made a shawl and an afghan.

Not new - I like tried and true patterns.
New - I am still capable of finding patterns I like to do over and over again for newer things (like cowls) or some old things (like washcloths)

Not new - I am an NBA basketball junkie.
New - I realize HOW MUCH of a junkie I truly am.

I don't typically do a lot at night. It takes me about 40 minutes to get home from work. I do errands on the way since gas is well over $4/gallon. So when I get home I stay home. I have 50 series in my DVR's series manager list (that's the maximum). I follow all Law & Order and Criminal Minds things and have gotten addicted to not just Chopped but all the Top Chef cooking shows including that new one they did this year on desserts.

I took $150 of my tax refund and put it away where I can't touch it. When DirecTV runs their NBA League Pass special at the beginning of October, before the season starts, I am buying it.

I learned this winter that I absolutely, positively, CANNOT live without it. I am such a serious NBA junkie. No team will ever be in my heart except the Celtics. My Yarn Room has a Paul Pierce placque, my NBA jersey's are all over and, well, I have a ritual that on game day I drink Dunkin' Donuts coffee out of either my Red's Army mug or my Paul Pierce 34 mug. There is a blue apron with a green 34 on it that says "Pierce" hanging off a hook on my fridge. There is a magnet on the fridge of Den and I at the Basketball Hall of Fame last year. There is a magnet in the shape of a basketball jersey that is white with a green 34 that says "Pierce". Oh. If you haven't figured it out yet, Paul Pierce, "The Truth", the Captain of the team is the man I adore. That man is so underrated! Anyway...

I need to be able to watch all the Celtic games. Even if it's just record and watch later.

This winter I found myself cruising all the channels to find an NBA game. I follow San Antonio and the Mavericks and OKC (Oklahoma City) now that Perk is there. So every night, even if I have things in my DVR list to watch or something was coming on that I watch "live", I *STILL* was cruising looking for a game.

I am such a serious NBA junkie!

I always watched a game here or there when I could. But since I have a place of my own and can do what I want, what I want is my basketball. None of that college stuff. Yuck. GIVE ME THE NBA!

Talk of a strike next year can't be done around me. It brings tears to my eyes. It makes my heart ache. You can't tell a serious NBA junkie that there might not be NBA basketball next fall. Especially after she's saved money for the expensive package to be able to watch all the games.

Yes, I admit I have watched 4 games today and none of them had my beloved Celtics. That's tomorrow. I will spend Easter watching my Celtics. I was so discouraged but since the playoffs began they have become the team I loved again. And let me tell you, I have loved the Boston Celtics since I was old enough to toddle to the tv and turn it on. My dad liked basketball. Not like me. Hey, even in his heyday I know Den didn't love them as much as I do. I am seriously addicted. See how often I've said that. Isn't that one of the first steps for a junkie, to admit they're a junkie?

I am an NBA junkie.

I learned this about myself this winter. This addiction is one that could never be cured with rehab. And is an addiction I will have for life. Imagine how hard it is to be a rabid Celtics fan in California. And to still not care that everyone thinks she's insane.

When you're a true NBA junkie, and a rabid Celtics fan, there's nothing quite like what I am hoping tomorrow will be - the Celtics sweeping the New York Knicks in a 4-0 series and headed to play Dwight Howard and the Orlando Magic. My heart quickens at the thought that Dwight will be a free agent and possibly Boston will go after him. What a great addition that would be! The Celtics could use him, especially as Paul, Ray and Kevin get towards retirement. Well, ok, maybe not Ray. He gets better with age. Paul and Kevin are good and while I'd love for them to be able to play forever, reality is both would do great in the front office or in broadcasting or coaching... wow, I could see Kevin broadcasting with my other favorite Celtics Kevin - McHale. And I could see Paul coaching. I want to see more of Paul in those gorgeous suits he wears. And hugging that little princess of his.

Sorry for those of you not Celtics fans. As I said, I'm a rabid fan. I'm an NBA junkie.

I learned other things about myself this winter. I'm sure of it. But mostly it was that major revelation about HOW much of a junkie I am.

Wow, can you imagine if the Celtics were drugs? I'd have od'd by now. Good thing they aren't!

GO CELTICS!! (Love all of you, well except maybe for Troy Murphy - is he still on the team? - and I'm positively drooling because Delonte is back!)

Obsolete Me

2011-04-23T09:25:00.000-07:00

I don't use Facebook. I don't text. I don't have a smartphone. I don't have an Ipad. Therefore, I am old. Probably a good reason to stop talking to me, huh. It sure seems that way. How sad. Guess I shouldn't send you letters or emails (from my old traditional desktop computer) or cards or call you from my landline or my basic cell phone.

Technology is making me obsolete.

But if you still want me around, I'm here. Old but still working. Basic but still me. I know that counts with some of my friends and family. Are you one of them?

Dreary Saturday.

Dam Pictures

2011-04-03T10:12:00.000-07:00

Last weekend my friend Alma took me up to the Oroville Dam. We walked all the way across and back which was almost 2 miles. Imagine fat old me doing that. Yeah, it's ok to shudder. But I did it. And got some beautiful pictures.

We haven't had enough rain in recent years for the spillway to be used. When there's too much water at the dam they open up the spillway and let it make its was down the Feather River and to other places. It's probably been at least 5 or 6 years since the spillway was open. The pictures on the left and right are looking at the water coming down the spillway. It hits the bottom and makes a huge mist. It is a beautiful sight! The tree in the middle is looking off towards the water in the dam. The mountains in the distance add to the beauty. I have a lot of other pictures but don't really want to spoil this post with more. Thank you Alma for taking me there and sharing your Sunday!

When You Can't Sleep

2011-03-30T00:16:00.001-07:00

Think about the things you've wanted to say but haven't. I look at my hands and see that the shape is mom's and the nails are dad's. And I'm glad that I have something I can look at and always feel connected to them. I think of so many people all the time. And I know they probably don't think about me at all. I miss Waldo. I miss being in 6th grade and that feeling that not only did Dana mean the world to me but I meant the world to him. I doubt either of these childhood friends have thought of me in over 35 years. This makes me sad. So many people who have meant so much to me. I look down at Mom's hands and dad's nails and sit here missing parts of my life that are past. I miss David St. Jean all the time. Whenever I allow myself to think about the fact that he is gone, really gone, it makes me cry. I went to Bill Curra's blog today and see he hasn't updated it in a year. And would he know who I am? No. Not a clue. But I think about him, too. And I wonder how Vicky is coping. I think about Vicky and how things out of her control completely re-shaped her life and it makes me so sad. And I am sure she hasn't thought of me since high school. But it doesn't mean I don't think about her. If you're reading this, I probably think about you every day, too. And miss you. Tonight I am seriously missing people from my past and people from my present. And wishing I didn't have to miss anyone. I hope wherever you are you're happy. Andy. Ally. Matt. Susan. Bill. Vicky. Dana. And Waldo. Always Waldo. I love you all.

Surprise!

2011-03-05T13:16:00.000-08:00

I had the most WONDERFUL surprise this week!

I received a handwritten note and autographed poster from the marvelous, most talented artist - Stewart Moskowitz!

I have a framed copy of "The Corporation" which I have hauled everywhere with me since 1981. He is really one of my favorites! Google to get to his website and search his wonderful work. "American Rabbit" is great! The two cows in the Norman Rockwell pose watching the sunset is one of my favorites. And now I have "Cow in the Wind" which I will get framed and hang in my house. How great that I have my own house (finally!) and can hang this beautiful work where everyone can enjoy it who visits me.

THANK YOU SO MUCH MR. MOSKOWITZ! YOU ARE A GREAT ARTIST!

One More Improvement

2011-03-05T12:57:00.000-08:00

Look! I finally have the bedroom closet covered! The curtains in the middle are slightly lighter burgundy than my window curtains with a different pattern but boy, how big a difference they make! Susan helped me hang them. Dear sister! To be honest it wouldn't look as wonderful as it does if they had more of the dark brown curtains. I only bought the burgundy because they had no more dark brown. BUT... since they didn't I saw those and Susan and I both agreed they'd look great. And they do!

The appraisal, btw, is done and the re-finance loan is moving ahead. I hope to get that done in a month or so. Then I start thinking about cars. Maybe.

Anyway, another good improvement to the house. Once I have tax refund money and John, my repairman, gets back from his cruise, a few more repairs will be done.

Repairs Continued

2011-02-21T10:38:00.001-08:00

One of the dumbest things about how they built on to the house with the shed/laundry room was that they didn't make it even with the house. Now it is finally joined to the house. It was this open space and looked awful. John did a good job making it fit. I am making a list of things for him to do in June when he is done with a cruise he is taking. One of the items on the list is to put a frame around the laundry room window which you can see in this picture. They didn't do that. Or to the kitchen window, either. It is amazing to me the massive amount of things that were wrong. I often wonder if I hadn't make a bid on the house if they would have sold it even though it was inexpensive and a foreclosure.

The front door did not fit. There were large gaps up at the top and the bottom and the locks didn't work properly even though they were put in new when I first bought the house. That's because the frame didn't fit with the door. John fixed all that. The locks work easily now, there is no rush of air coming in and it's exactly how it should have been all along! There is a little roof overhead right outside the front door on the stoop. It was nothing but a hanging light and open beams. It looked terrible. Here is how it looks now (picture on right).

And one final picture... I used money Den gave me for Christmas to buy security doors for the front and back of the house. Here's a picture of how the one by the kitchen door (back of the house) looks:

Now hopefully the house will appraise at what it needs to for my re-finance which is already underway!

I love my house! If I can get things fixed this summer (a shorter list) then maybe at some point I can paint the wood frame that was the patio roof and maybe sometime I will do something there. That was a big job. There were 3 roofs on top of the frame because every time one didn't work they just put another on top! Now I like the frame open because there's light but I'm not real fond of it when it rains.

I finally put up the wireless door bell out front. The instructions were intimidating but it turns out all you do it plug it in because the codes already match. Geez. Next up is to get a door knocker for outside the kitchen door. I am looking for a moose head. I found a couple but they're $40 plus shipping. So maybe when I'm east I will look for a lighthouse one near the beach. Even if it costs the same at least I'll have it. Or maybe I'll ask my brother to look around for one. But I have an idea of what I want.

And one final thing. I bought a bunch of plastic boxes (big) with lids and completely re-organized my closet floor. Sweaters and other winter things are in one, shoes and tote bags in another. This is in preparation to hang the curtain rod I bought the other night when I went out with Susan. I measure and we bought a curtain rod and a set of curtains with grommets and that will be my closet door. Easy to use and it'll look nice. And because there are grommets it won't wear out with use.

Finally my house is taking shape. Yes, new furniture would be good. And later this spring I am going to invite friends over to help me sort and throw stuff. I need to do some major organization in the Yarn Room because I have way too much stuff. I am thinking perhaps it's time to create a section up in the attic or in the eaves (more likely the eaves) to store yarn in big plastic boxes like I used in my closet. The more I think about that the happier I become. I have some plastic storage in the Yarn Room but I have too much yarn. I'm trying not to buy anything new. Anyway, for what's been happening craft wise, go to my Crafty Rantings. I'm posting there next!

Until next time, know that I am really, really happy these days despite the fact I don't have much contact with Ally or Matt. I miss them terribly. I will give her a call later today when she's off work. I'd love to see them more than 3 days a year. But I guess we take what we can get, right? At least I have a house that is affordable and comfortable and mine.

And Thursday night I can watch the Celtics play! Yes, life is going along pretty good these days!

Repair Pictures

2011-02-21T10:21:00.001-08:00

OK I've had a 4 day weekend and there are no more excuses for not unloading the pictures from the camera and posting them. Those who have seen the house before the repairs and afterwards know the big improvements. Here are a few of the "after" pictures with a picture of the inside of the shed once the moldy boards were taken off. The picture shows the insulation which is the bare way the reconstruction started.

As you can see it looked pretty awful in there. But my repairman, John, did such excellent work! Below are pictures of what it looks like now. The floor is even and yes, it should probably be painted, but it will never have a problem with mold again. And I can use it! I have things stored in the shed now! Yippie! (It took probably 2.5 full days to finish it but so worth it!)

On the left is a picture of how it looks inside the shed fixed. The purple stuff is moisture resistant so the mold problem won't happen. The picture on the right is of the ceiling which was completely re-done as well. It really is a great little shed now!

OK I am going to do another post to show you more pictures because this one is getting big. Hang on!

Fast!

2011-02-11T04:25:00.000-08:00

I need to unload the pictures from my camera. The repairs are just about done. I can't find the "before" pictures probably because I was so unhappy with how things looked that I didn't take pictures. Anyway I will try to do that.

This is a fast post. I hope to do more later this weekend.

I have had a very rough week. A client I liked who teased me every time he came in to the office died unexpectedly last weekend.

Tomorrow John, my repairman, is coming back to finish one thing. I am also getting my taxes done.

And, of course, the dreaded Valentine's Day. The one day a year when it's pointed out to the universe how there MUST be something wrong with you because you don't have a romantic partner. What? No flowers? No candy? No card? No dinner reservation? My, what a failure. Well yup. That's me. 3 strikes and you're out.

Instead I am going to a bunco fundraiser with my friend Alma tonight and we're having dinner out. I'll have a good weekend despite everything.

More later - I hope!

Yeah, Finally

2011-01-23T08:53:00.001-08:00

I am finally posting. I just have not been feeling like blogging. But something is better than nothing.

Here is Matt with one of his new toys which he received on his 4th birthday, December 24, 2010. It was so wonderful to see them again! I'm pretty sure he remembered who I was but it had only been 5 months instead of 12. I wish I could see them more often. I miss Matt and Ally and Sean. Ally and Sean are such good parents! And Matt is such a smart, open, loving child.

I decorated my house for Christmas. I wasn't sure I would. I'd been feeling discouraged about the lack of progress towards repairs and getting a re-finance so I can stay here past the 5 years. But I did and I'm glad I did. The decorations made me happy. I think my original idea was the best - keep the Christmas decorations, tree etc. in the shed. I was up and down the stairs too often. And hopefully I will be able to do that. (More on that in a moment.) Here's a couple pictures of the decorations at my house.

The picture on the left is my tree which I put in the front corner of the house. The picture on the right is my "countdown" snowmen. I set this on the pellet stove. I had other decorations around but the pictures aren't really great so I am not posting them.

And so next year I will take better pictures and hopefully still be blogging by then. It's been 4 years and I am afraid I am running out of steam!

Now for the rest of the news. Thanks to Susan I finally have a dependable repairman who not only shows up but does excellent work! The only scary thing is that the material prices are OK but it's looking to cost me nearly $2k just for the labor! He's done quite a bit already (4 days worth) and it looks better but I'd like to get the rest of it done so I can move ahead with refinancing in the spring. There will still be things to do, especially treating the wood frame over the patio (which used to have a roof on it - more on that in a moment) and then painting it. Plus painting other stuff. I am not sure yet if we will need to paint the trim which will be joining the corners of the shed and then the shed to the house. Boy, they did a miserable job building that shed. Not only unjoined to the house properly but partially finished outside and inside the half where the water heater is they didn't use anything to protect against moisture so all the sheetrock rotted. And the floor wasn't really a floor. Anyway it is now down to framing and insulation so it looks much better. AND it has a steel door with a lock instead of a hollow door that didn't fit.

The patio roof actually had 3 separate roofs on it. They had put one on it, didn't like it or didn't work, put another than another. By the time it was taken down the particle board was totally soaked everywhere and it was terrible. Took a little over a day just to take that down!

My repairman is wonderful. He has agreed to do the inside of the shed for a 1 day price because it may take more than that and my budget is running out. Then I am hoping he can get the remaining smaller things done in a half day. If he can then I will be able to afford the last of the required repairs to refinance. Of course there are other things I want done but those will have to wait.

Sadly I think I am going to have to get a car hopefully not for another year but who knows. I think there are a few things that need to be done and if they cost a lot, it's not worth it. The car is worth a maximum of about $900. But the longest I can get it to go is best. I am using monthly car payment money that I keep putting away to pay for repairs. January's money went for day #4's labor charges. :)

OK I need to update my crafty blog which has been a long time. It's hard before Christmas because I don't want to post pictures of gifts I've made. I've made quite a few things since and need to work on a couple more but I'm making progress. Always do in the winter when it's colder and knitting or crochet is easier.

No vacation plans yet. Hoping to be able to go see mom for Mother's Day. We'll see.

Uninspired

2010-12-18T20:18:00.000-08:00

I have not taken pictures or felt like blogging. I have been prepared for Christmas for quite some time. This Wednesday night I fly down south to spend Matt's birthday, Christmas and Ally and Sean's 6th anniversary with them. I have the whole week off between Christmas and New Year's so hopefully I will have pictures and inspiration and motivation to post.

Thanksgiving was wonderful with my adopted family in Gridley. Susan and Dan were in Reno but I still had a fabulous holiday. For the first time in years I did NOT go shopping on Black Friday. I looked around on the net but found no big deals on anything I wanted or, perhaps more accurately, found nothing I wanted or really needed. They don't sell handymen, do they.

I hope everyone's Christmas is joyous and filled with family, love and kindness. I consider my biggest present being able to be with my family. It doesn't happen often enough. Sadly the house sucks up way more money than I had hoped even without being able to get the repairs done. I am hoping maybe by spring everything can be done so I can refinance and not have to continually worry about losing my house in 4 years because I couldn't re-finance. There is no guarantee the bank won't call the entire loan due since that's the length of the loan.

I admit I have been feeling depressed and alone. I am lucky in that I get to see more of my friend Alma lately. I think what I need is a hug. And to find someone to help me fix the house. I am so happy and content here. The thought of losing the house makes me cry.

Last year at Christmas I was living in one room the size of my current bedroom. This year I have a house that I love with my beautiful decorations that sat in storage. My artificial tree in the corner of the front of the livingroom can be seen from both windows and shines with wonderful multi colored lights. I can watch tv and knit and be warm under a fleece blanket and sip cocoa. And look around at all this space and know it's mine.

Just wish that at times this big space had another body or two in it.

Christmas is a week from now. Each day is a blessing. Every breath a gift. Don't forget to tell someone you love them. Not just today but every day. Time is precious and short and running out. Try to go to sleep every night knowing you have done the best you can, that you have loved well and laughed and touched the life of someone else in a positive manner. What a fabulous present to give yourself and others year-round. Christmas comes but once a year. Love, kindness, sharing and consideration come all year. Or at least they should.

More October & Other Stuff

2010-11-13T13:19:00.001-08:00

Well here we are, the PSC gals on 10-10-10. Jeannie, Bev, me and Sherry. I really look forward to us getting together. It's good to catch up but you know what the best thing is? It's like we've never been apart. We have known each other since I was 17 and they were 18 and when you're talking about 36 years of friendship, that's pretty cool. Jeannie sent me a nice picture she had taken of my mother and me and I love it!

Over on the right is a picture of more family. My Aunt Rosemary (in the middle) with my cousins Sarabeth (left) and Laura (right). Their brother Bob doesn't like to have his picture taken. So typical of people in our family! And their sister Jennifer wasn't able to be at the birthday party at Sarabeth's house. Anyway, thought I would share this since it's been a long time since I've gotten a picture of them together.

As always the foliage was beautiful. Every year I go visit the graves of my grandparents, dad and cousin Ralph. Ralph was one of the sweetest men I've ever known. A very religious man who, as far back as I can remember was stooped over and had white hair. I can still picture him, probably 45 years later, sitting in the pew at church and praying. And his smile. So I take foliage pictures at the Berwick Cemetary where my mom's side of the family, including cousin Ralph, are buried. There is a little building there that's a water house where they have main control of the water. This is the building. It's right across the lane from where my grandparents are buried and across another side is where cousin Ralph lies in rest. You would think it is a sad place to visit but it brings me good memories and reminds me that I come from good people.

Like the PSC gals who have known me so long, and Lynn, my ex-sister-in-law who really isn't an ex anything except where it concerns being married to my brother, and my cousins and my mom and my brother. I am reminded that I come from a place where family values count. Where friendship matters. Honesty. Commitment. Devotion. Generosity. I come from a solid background. And I hope I have been able to pass that along to my children and hopefully someday Matt will have it.

Vacation in October always reminds me of where I come from and how I go to where I am. It is fulfilling for my soul. No wonder I love October vacation!

And now to explain something else. OK, we all know I'm odd. I love my house. I am so happy here! And sometimes I cannot stop myself. I will stop just in the doorway from the diningroom to the kitchen and hug my house and tell it how much I love being here. Because I do. I explained it to my friend Alma. I remember how the deadbolt lock works in my door this way:

When I leave in the morning, it turns left because I have left the happy place.

When I arrive home at night, it turns right because all is right in my world again.

This is how happy I am at my house. Yes, I'd be happier if I could get the repairs done and re-finance to a 30 year loan so I wouldn't have to worry. But still, I love being here. I'm going to keep trying to find someone to help do repairs. I am not sure it will happen as soon as I'd like but come next spring I must do a big push. I am not sure why people say they are interested then change their minds. I think maybe because it's not all that profitable. Who knows. But I am happy here. And will be happier if I can get everything done so there is no threat of losing my happy place.

The pictures of Den, mom and me are blurry so no post. But here's a picture of Den in my back yard when he was here for a couple of days. He's standing where the doghouse used to be but is now gone thanks to Den.

So now that I have been busy for over an hour posting to both blogs I am going to sign off. Usually I don't have this much to say or pictures to post. But who knows what the future holds?

Andrew and My October Vacation

2010-11-13T13:08:00.001-08:00

Here's Andrew wearing the brown hat I crocheted for him (mentioned in my Crafty Rantings blog). He's such a smart and sweet boy! I love being able to spend time with him. He lives 3500 miles away but I spend more time each year with him than with Matt who lives 12 hours south of me. Just the way it is.

Andrew was a little mixed up when they told him Aunt Lynn was coming to visit. He knew Grampy had gone to see her and was coming back with her to Great Grammy's house. He thought I was Grampy's Aunt Lynn. They explained to him that no, I was Grampy's sister and HIS Aunt Lynn. He got that. Then when they asked him if he knew where Aunt Lynn lived he most certainly did! Here's a little background on how this particular sweet thing happened.

Andrew's Grammy Punkin' is my brother's ex-wife. She lives in a beautiful country home (thank you for lunch!). She has goats and cats and a little dog named Fiona. Here's a picture of Lynn with Fiona in her country kitchen.

So Andrew, when asked where Aunt Lynn lives, responded that he did! She lives in Cali-fiona!

I had such a wonderful vacation! I got to see college friends and foliage (see next post), go to the Basketball Hall of Fame, spend time with Andrew, Lynn (who is one of my oldest friends and so much like a sister!), my mom and other relatives. But it was tiring and things were busy when I got home. But I honestly love my two week October vacation. I look forward to it all year long!

So I haven't blogged much but I've been happy. And I'll talk more about that in another post.

Promised Pictures

2010-11-13T12:56:00.000-08:00

One thing I so desperately wanted to do this year was go to the Basketball Hall of Fame in Springfield, Massachusetts. My wonderful twin brother Den agreed. We drove down on Wednesday night, stayed at a hotel and then went to the BHOF the next day. The picture on the right is Den wearing his Bird shirt (which I bought him for our birthday last year when we attended the Celtics game at the TD Garden!). I wore a green t-shirt with "Rondo 9" on it. Anyway I took a ton of pictures and rather than put them all up, thought these two were the good ones to post. The picture on the left is what it looked like when we left the building. There was a clown (shudder) and 3 elephants promoting a circus. Cool! Elephants at the BHOF!

Because I have a lot of pictures to post I will do a few entries so look for the next udpate.

Still Alive!

2010-11-02T06:43:00.000-07:00

Yes I am still alive! Vacation was wonderful. I have been back over a week and still haven't been able to find time to download the pictures from my camera. I need to print some out, too, which I hope to be able to do this week. Work exploded while I was gone (no surprise) and I just have had so many personal things to do! And, of course, now I am fighting a cold. I would stay home from work for a day if I could but there is too much to do so I will just keep plugging along.

I will post pictures. Especially the one of the elephants out in front of the Basketball Hall of Fame! How cool was that?!?

Andrew is bigger and cuter and it's getting easier for me to understand him when he talks. I love that little guy! Makes me anxious to see Matt for his birthday!

Hopefully I can update this blog and my Crafty Rantings over the weekend. I did do a bunch of crochet projects while I was gone. I've done two or three since I got back, small things, since I need something to do with my hands while I watch tv that does NOT involve eating! Just wish I could get motivated to get back on the treadmill. Maybe if I ever catch up on my sleep and errands!

More later!

Vacation is Here!

2010-10-08T08:13:00.000-07:00

Den is here at my house! He arrived late Wednesday night. Tomorrow morning we are flying back to New Hampshire. I will be there for two weeks. It has been wonderful having him here. I will always have the pictures in my head of him in my house, just like when Ally and Matt visited. HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY!!

What;s Happened to Us?

2010-09-04T11:29:00.000-07:00

OK this blog is called "Ramblings of A Mutant Penguin" and today I am not only going to ramble but rant.

What the hell has happened to us?

I often wonder how humanity defines itself now. I'm not sure we're humans in the way we were in the past. If we are "human" we are humans going downhill and it's not a slippery slope. We're falling fast, head over heels like "Jack and Jill" who went up the hill. We are definitely tumbling down.

I went to open the bottle of orange juice I had recently bought. I thought I would have a glass with lunch. There is a seal on the outside. Inside there is an aluminum foil seal over the top. I can't open my medicine bottles without pushing down and turning. Some days that is really hard when my hands hurt. This is why I do a week's worth of pills in an organizer. Less stress on the hands.

I decided to "follow" someone who was "following" me on Twitter. I get a nice little direct message saying if I am who I say I am and not a spammer, I'll go to this website and verify the fact.

I go into the bank where I have been banking a long time and know all the tellers. They make me show my driver's license.

I call for service on anything and they practically want a blood sample.

I am sure that soon I will need to provide blood, hair or some other form or DNA before I can even say "hello" to a clerk in a store or a teller at a bank.

What's happened to us?

When I was a child, yes back in the forever ago, parents knew enough to keep their medications where their child couldn't reach them. And they TOLD their children not to touch them and why and if they did, the child was punished. Not just a day without the X-Box. GROUNDED. TIME IN THE CORNER. A SPANKING.

Spanking is appropriate under certain cirmcumstances. Not beating. Geez. Even when I was a child it wasn't appropriate to BEAT your child. It is NEVER appropriate. But sometimes the only way to get the point across is a swat on the butt.

When did humankind start thinking that if someone did something wrong to you, like say you lost your job, that it was OK to put poison in medication bottles in the store? Or take a gun and go into your former place of employment and kill as many people as you could?

How did it happen that it's ok to do anything you want to anyone no matter what?

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO "DO UNTO OTHERS" AND THE GOLDEN RULE?!?

When did it happen that being polite, having manners, being respectful and loyal and hardworking and generous, when being kind and soft hearted and gentle was a sign of weakness? THAT MADE US GOOD HUMAN BEINGS!

I have a large, soft, generous heart. I give of myself, my time, my money, my being. I hold doors open for people when I am going in or out of someplace and someone is doing the opposite. I say "please" and "thank you" and "hello" and "goodbye". I ask people how they are feeling and if there is something I can do for them.

And I mean it.

And I sit here today crying about how so many people have lost their humanity.

Life would be so much better for everyone if we were more human. If we were less concerned with the "race" in "human race". And I don't mean just color. I mean the running and pushing and shoving to "get ahead".

To me there is no "getting ahead" that is worth hurting someone else.

We all die. There is no way to get around that as much as we try to pretend it won't happen to us. One day we just won't be here anymore. One day we won't wake up or we will leave for work and never come home. I make sure my bed is made and dishes done and things are as they should be because if I die someone will have to come in and sort through the junk-to-them-precious-to-me things I have collected. I have my legal things in order. OK, that's a given considering what I do for a living. But I also hope I have my soul ready.

I saw an obituary in the local paper that I loved. And so here's part of what I would like to be said of me when I die.

She has gone to a far better place where size doesn't matter, where kindness does. She is holding her daughter Shannon close in her arms and sharing a smile with her dad. She'll spend time crocheting and knitting with her Gram and Aunt Clara and Aunt Jessie. She has gone to a place where she can dance and sing and smile and where for eternity she will be surrounded by love and give love. And that was what it was all about.

What's happened to us?

Time Flies

2010-08-24T06:42:00.000-07:00

It amazes me that it is almost the end of August. Den and I are going to try to make flight arrangements this weekend. Right now, however, it appears WAY too expensive so we may have to wait a week. I get nervous having to wait. I need to put in for my time off. We only need to coordinate one flight but still, it takes some doing. We haven't talked yet about attending a game but we need to do that, too, because if we're going we need to arrange to get tickets.

I have a lot going on in my head these days. I am so tired all I want to do is sleep although sometimes that means I can't sleep at all.

Alma came over for dinner Saturday night. Bless her heart she used her weed eater and cut down all the grass in the back yard. Now I need to put together the old fashioned mower I bought (only power it uses is me!) so I can keep it trimmed. She also fixed my lamp that wasn't working. She is so talented! I feel so hopeless about fixing things. But we had nice conversation and a good dinner which was very good for both of us. We have both been by ourselves a lot. She's been away training for her new job. I've been spending too much time alone. My friends are busy with their families and lives. I have no real family nearby and they're all busy anyway.

Sometimes it's rough being alone. But as a friend of mine said one day on Twitter, when you run out of blessings to count, count each breath.

One... two... three... :)

A Post With Pictures!

2010-08-15T16:06:00.001-07:00

I finally unloaded the pictures from the camera. Here's a picture from last month when Ally and Matt visited.

I printed some of the pictures and sent them to family members but I haven't posted any. Since I hate pictures of myself you won't see the one of Matt and I in my chair and a half but trust me, it was fun snuggling there with him. He came up all on his own to sit with Grammy. Hopefully this means he will remember me when I go to see him for his birthday in December.

I am now busy trying to get vacation plans in order. My brother is so good to me. He is going to come here for a couple of days and then we'll fly back east together where I'll stay another 2 weeks. And I've told him I want to go the Springfield, Massachusetts to the Basketball Hall of Fame. I am also hoping maybe we can fit in a pre-season Celtics game. I desperately need to get myself a couple of new jerseys. I MUST have a #36 - O'Neal because that would be SHAQtastic! hehe

I am exhausted because I have, as usual, done too much on a weekend around the house. But I like it. Here's one more picture before I end this post.

Blowing bubbles on the patio in back of the house.

Some Happening & Thoughts

2010-08-03T20:46:00.000-07:00

I know. No pictures in this post. Next time. Promise to unload the camera.

Here is why I should not stay home all day Sunday. This is what I did and this is more typical than you'd believe.

1. Watered both rose bushes. Involved hauling hose halfway around house.
2. Pulled growing weeds out front, yanking to get roots (also did out back on Saturday).
3. Watered grass in back yard.
4. Gathered garbage in house.
5. Put garbage and yard waste cans in the alley for pickup in morning.
6. Changed sheets on the bed (king size!).
7. Washed the sheets, put in dryer, folded and put away when dry.
8. Walked 10 minutes on the treadmill at my usual 17mph speed.
9. Worked on a washcloth.
10. Did dishes. Twice.
11. Got clothes and coffeemaker and other stuff ready for work.
12. Swept patio.
13. Swept the front stairs (lots of pine needles - back yesterday!).
14. Called mom and brother.
15. Put away clean dishes. Twice.
16. Cleaned in both bathrooms.
17. Watched a movie.

Busy days, yes?

Tonight while talking to my friend Jeannie she asked me how I like my house. I guess I haven't said a lot about that and I need to make this VERY CLEAR.

I LOVE MY HOUSE!!!

Yes, being alone a lot can be really hard. But you know, tonight I realized something - as much of a control freak as I am, it's probably a good thing I live alone. I have everything my way. And if I don't like it and don't fix it, I have nobody to blame but me.

Besides, nobody in their right might would have wanted to witness me on the treadmill half walking, half dancing to Fleetwood Mac's "Rumors". Boy, in 5 minutes I got as much exercise as the usual 10. You try twisting and shaking your hips and shoulders while you walk at 17mph. But darn it was fun.

I also cooked myself one killer meal. Bisquick chicken with a glass of chocolate milk, baked beans and fiber enriched bread. Oh I think that meal will be departing in a timely manner. But, again, darn it was fun.

On Susan's advice I am taking more vitamin C. And tonight I am exhausted!

One final note... a shout-out to my twitter friend Ruthie Appleby. She is an amazing woman and a wonderful friend. She listens to me all the time and has pearls of wisdom to share. She's truly a nice new friend to have. And, honestly, can't we all use more good friends? Thanks for bumping into me Ruthie!

I will unload the camera and post pictures. I hope by this weekend.

I'm making a new list of things I need to do - like alphabetize my CDs. I was looking for my Beach Boys "Endless Summer" but couldn't find the B's. So that is a weekend project. And so I will make a list this time on paper instead of in my head. Maybe I'll get it all done this time.

Until my next post, don't worry about me. I'm doing fine. I hold hope that the weather will eventually cool off and winter is coming. I like the cold. And the rain. And, mostly, October brings 2 weeks of vacation.

Oh, did I mention that it'll soon be CELTICS TIME!! Yup. Learn to live with it. I am so excited that the first game of the season they play the Miami Heat. I hope the Celtics whip their butts! Now all we need is for Shaq to sign. What a victory! A former Laker ends his career as a Celtics and helps them win against his old team. Oh how sweet that victory would be! I've saved all summer for the DirecTV League Pass so I can watch or DVR every single Celtics game.

What a sight I must be! The old mutant penguin with very little hair, bad eyes and ears, short, fat, screaming for her Celtics. Yes, I am a rabid fan. And on the west coast that is not an easy thing being a Celtics fan. But I don't care. Now if I can get to Boston in October I'm getting myself a Scalabrine shirt and if Shaq joins, one with his name. Now that is an interesting thought.

So goodnight all. A tweet or two and then it's off to dreamland. Until later, remember, The Mutant Penguin Herself is doing ok even if she is lonely once in a while. A good job that I love, a house that I love, great friends and family. Lots of blessings. And I wish the same for you!

This Time of Year

2010-07-29T06:43:00.000-07:00

Is always very hard for me. Saturday I will try to keep busy and keep my mind off the fact that it's been 23 years since Shann died.

You know people say it's so nice to be alone, to have quiet. It's not so nice when it's all you have. Imagine spending the rest of your life with no one to talk to once you get home unless it's on the phone. Silence unless the tv or music is on. Never having anyone to say, "good night" or "good morning" to. No one to hug. No one to hug you. Nobody to ask if you're OK or how your day went or what you'd like for dinner. It's not so bad until you get home.

So the next time you think about how nice it would be to not have all that stuff going on around you, remember that there are people out there who might like to have some of that once in a while.

Sometimes it truly stinks to grow old alone.

The Last Two Days

2010-07-11T09:35:00.000-07:00

A lot of things have happened in the last two days.

Friday the nice man Alma recommended came by and looked at the "jungle". I told him what I needed done. He came back later when it had cooled off and not only took care of the problem with the trees, overgrown stuff and killing the stumps that the previous landscaper had left (he knew they needed to be killed and didn't and considering what I paid him I am very angry about that) but he used the weed eater and cleaned up my whole front yard, the side of the house by the kitchen and hauled it all away! All for a very reasonable price! I told him that the next time I need my trees trimmed or anything else I will call him.

Yesterday morning Alma came over and sprayed all the weeds and places that needed to die and be cleaned out with Roundup. She says in a couple of weeks I can just rake it all up and then next year there will be less to kill. Then Sara and Kevin and Kevin's daughter came over and mowed the little patch out back. I told her that next time there would be more because the gardener wouldn't have been here then. She also offered to pull the weeds in the flowerbed in the back yard. I said that would be fine. This time I didn't want Kevin's daughter touching anywhere near where Alma had been with the toxic Roundup.

Then I went to a birthday party. My dear friend Susan was putting it on in celebration of her mother's 80th birthday party. Ruth is like another mom so I was happy to go. I tried to help out some but there were so many family members there already helping that I ended up mostly just sitting and talking with Ruth's cousin Barbara (who is probably about the same age). Barbara lives in Monterey.

Anyway I took a picture of Ruth. I made her smile. hehe

Long Weekend

2010-07-05T08:58:00.000-07:00

Saturday my friend Alma came over and gave me some yard lessons. She helped me pull weeds, determine what was weeds, what to do... she's going to let me know when she can do it and I'll buy Roundup and she'll spray everything. The side of the house by the Tile Room, however, needs professional help. She is going to call her yard man to see if he can do it for me. It'll be worth it. I will also have him kill the stumps since it needs more help than just me.

In any case the kitchen side of the house and the back looks good. Once the weeds are sprayed Alma tells me we'll be OK until next spring and then she'll help me again. I would be lost without her knowledge. She is helping me fix things and figure out what to do. Helps to have a friend who has built houses. :)

It's warm and I am so unambitious. I haven't done anything with yarn (except buy some) over the long weekend. I will force myself today.

I am heading into a busy period. Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment. Thursday I have a meeting. On Saturday Sara is coming with her boyfriend's daughter to clean up the yard. It's nowhere near as bad as it was so it shouldn't take much time. And also Saturday is a big birthday party for Ruth, Susan's mom. That will be crowded. I will have to arrive early, I think to have a place to park.

And then the night of the 13th I drive to the Tomato to pick up Ally and Matt. They won't be here anywhere near long enough but I guess a day and a half is better than nothing. Hopefully I can go for Christmas. My schedule calls for it anyway. And a vacation in October.

I spent a half hour this morning trying to hang TWO pictures! One I had to change the frame because the glass broke in the move. I had a picture in the right size frame that I really didn't want to put up so I took it out and used the frame for the one I did want to hang. No problem. The problem came when I looked and saw that I needed to move another one up a bit higher (and probably STILL needs to go higher!). The hanger fell out. It would be just so much easier if the darn manufacturers would put the hangers on the frames BEFORE they sell them. I can't tell you how even with my smaller hands and fingers how awful and terrible it is to try to get those darn tiny, tiny nails into the tooth-like hanger and onto the frame. My left thumb will probably be black and blue.

There are things I'd like to get done before Ally and Matt get here but we'll see. Today I already have the laundry going. I did it Friday but today if I can get some of it done ahead of time that will help for the weekend. I have other pictures I probably should hang but I want them to be even and that's hard to do alone.

I hope everyone enjoyed the long weekend. Yesterday was a bit depressing for me. My Grampy Schafer died July 4, 1971. For some reason I thought I was younger but no, I was 14. And the house burned down in February 1972. Sadly I do not remember much of 1972. It was not a good year. So ages 14 and 15 weren't great for me. If I did not have such a loving and devoted family I'm sure I wouldn't have made it through. My family has never had money - we struggled all the time. I live on a tight budget and even then am not sure I will ever be able to fix what needs to be fixed at the house and am hoping I can squeeze enough to get the house refinanced but those repairs are one month's worth of car payment money, add in the landscaping that must now be done on the other side of the house... but the house is mine. As mom says, money isn't everything but it sure would help sometimes. Anyway, what I wanted to say was we never had money but we always had each other. Today I know I can pick up the phone and call my mother or brother and they will always have time to talk to me or to listen or to just BE there for me. Financially things have always been hard and always will be. But I have emotional support which I need just as much.

I have many acquaintances, people I know, people I work with. I have friends. And I have some friends who are so much more than friends. I have been blessed with a wonderful family, a job I really like and have an aptitude for and I have been "adopted" by a family who truly treats me like family.

So why did yesterday bother me so much? Well, stupidly, I missed the annual showing of "Yankee Doodle Dandy" which I love. Perhaps I will have to buy that on DVD. I watched the Military Channel's "Revolutionary War" marathon and it made me incredibly homesick. Lexington, Concord, Boston. Fort Ticonderoga which I have been to, too. All the places where the war had happened, I had been many, many times. We were history buffs in the family. Vacations were educational as well as fun. And add on the fact that it had been 39 years since my Grampy died and I got way, way too emotional. So I stayed shut up in the house, alone, all day. Today I will finish inside chores and maybe go buy myself some lunch even though I have plenty of food in the house. I need to mail a card and if the dollar store is open I will go see if I can buy a trowel there. I need to hit up yard sales (Susan... are you listening?!?) to see if I can buy some gardening/yard related tools. I don't expect to do a lot of it. But I need to at least keep it going. If I had known that it would get so bad so fast after I had paid $300 to have it done the first time I would have gone at it myself even as much as I hate it. But Alma will keep me focused and on track. I would be lost without her lessons!

So today, at the end of the long weekend, I will finish chores, try to do some crochet or knit work and get ready for a busy month.

Oh yes. One other reason for yesterday's blues - the last day of the month will be the 23rd anniversary of Shannon's death.

July is never an easy month for me. Never.

And More From May

2010-06-20T14:11:00.001-07:00

The theme was "These Shoes Are Made for Walking". Brooke became president of the state Legal Secretaries, Inc. and while it was a lot of work, it was also very rewarding and fun. The shoes adorning the wall on the left were at Saturday night banquet. Two of those shoes are now in my house and will go over the inside doorway of my Yarn Room. The shoe on the right was Brooke's individual shoe. My friend Alma made all those shoes and if I could spell it I would type it. Let's just sound it out. Paper Machey. Yeah, I could look up the spelling but I'm more interested in just putting up a post.

Anyway I came home from vacation on Saturday and then on Thursday left for the conference. I think I am still trying to recover.

It was a labor of love for a dear, dear friend. I am proud of you Brooke. You go girl!

About Time, Huh

2010-06-20T14:04:00.001-07:00

Yup, finally unloaded the pictures from the camera. Here are a couple from my vacation in New Hampshire for Mother's Day:

The picture on the left is Andrew with his great grandmother (my mom) and the picture on the right is Den and Mom.

Motivation

2010-06-18T07:00:00.000-07:00

I have been lacking motivation to blog. I think this weekend I will finally unload the pictures from the camera and then I will be a bit more motivated to blog. I have a couple of pictures from my vacation last month that I should post.

I've been busy crocheting lately so hopefully I will put those pictures on my Crafty Rantings blog.

Patio roof has been raised 2 inches. Need to get security door for the back door, shed fixes and a few other things. Big mission for this weekend is to buy garden hoses for the front and back, hopefully get them to work and water the lawn. And maybe get someone who is willing to mow it. Discouraging that nobody seems to want to do it. If I have to hire a professional it will cost me a lot.

It is getting hot here.

Ally and Matt are coming for about 36 hours next month. They will be here all day Wednesday and then Thursday afternoon I will have to take them to the airport. Very short visit but at least they will see the house and hopefully I can go there for Christmas. I can't afford to have them come up again, probably, because of the airfare and vacation time. Just realized this morning I will have to make up some time at work somehow but that won't be too hard, I hope.

Making my list of what I have to get done this weekend. I have to go find an air mattress. I think I will check WalMart since I have to go today and then possibly tomorrow I will look at Big Lots. Whichever has what I want at an affordable price. I am hoping the garden hoses I need to buy are reasonably priced at WalMart.

And please, please, please. Say nothing to me about my beloved Celtics. My heart is broken.

Yeah, I Know

2010-05-25T13:04:00.000-07:00

I need to post pictures and update this on what's been going on. I have been too tired and too not around to do so. And I have a few things banging around in my head which would like to be posted but am not sure if I should.

For now know that I'm around and I do know I need to blog. Honest.

Almost Gone

2010-05-07T06:55:00.001-07:00

After work I will do errands, pick up lunch, go home, pack the car, eat and then go to bed for a while. I need to leave the house at 3am to go to the airport. Granted, I could go later (and may) and I'm pretty sure there won't be staff to check me in until later but they do say be at the airport 2 hours earlier than your flight. So I am hoping when I get there I don't have to wait too long to check in.

I am so excited!!! I can't wait to see my family! I am so glad I am able to go for Mother's Day. A week goes fast but it helps get me through until I get my two weeks in October.

Susan and Dan are going to watch the house and pick up the mail. That will be a relief for me.

When I get back and can find some time I will hopefully have pictures to post. I can't wait to see Andrew! I've been sent a few pictures and he has grown so much in 6 months! I can't imagine how big Matt is! He won't have a clue who I am at Christmastime but I am hoping that Andrew will remember me from October.

OK, time to get moving. Still have lots to do. Here I am but I'm almost gone. :)

Quick Pictures

2010-04-18T10:43:00.000-07:00

I decided while I was in the mood to blog I would just take these pictures to share. The left is the top part of the media cabinet. Look at all the CDs and DVDs! And there's still room for more!

On the right is the bottom part. See there are books and records and even other stuff and there is room for more! What a wonderful piece of furniture Susan gave me!

I don't know how well youc an see the picture of the mantle and the pictures that are on there. Maybe if you click on it. Anyway the picture on the left is a drawing of the farmhouse in Maine where I grew up. Then in the center is a picture of my Mom and twin brother Dennis. And on the right is a print of the original painting we had commissioned when Ally was 4. It's called "Two Sisters" and shows a princesss looking into a mirror looking at her fairy sister. This was a copy we had given my parents and after my first divorce my Mom gave it to me so I could have it since I didn't get to keep the original. At least having a copy is good.

Attic pictures may or may not be coming soon. I am going to finish my coffee and start cleaning out the DVR. There is a basketball playoff game at noon which gives me an hour to get rid of something.

I love my house!

Other Pictures

2010-04-18T10:03:00.000-07:00

On the left is what I call the media cabinet. Susan gave this to me. I will have to open the doors and take pictures to show how much this really holds. All the CDs and DVDs are in the top. Some of the most frequently accessed ones are in a rack by the tv or in the tv cart. The DVDs are all alphabetized now but the CDs aren't a priority. The picture on the right is from yesterday. This is the corner on the left as you enter the Yarn Room. Underneath the mirror is a 2 drawer cabinet with patterns in it and on top of that is my little one box stereo which has a turntable, radio, CD and tape player. The three pictures are family pictures. The penguin tile was painted for me by my Uncle Bernie.

And finally, some pictures from the Yarn Room! On the left you can see my knitting chair and on the left my computer. Underneath the window just to the left of the knitting chair is some of my yarn storage in cabinets and a few other things like my pink ceramic Christmas Tree. I haven't figured out where to put it so it stays there for now.

For now the Yarn Room is pretty darn organized. It's a big room. To the right of the computer is a 3 drawer cabinet holding all my computer related stuff. And to the right of that is what used to be my little kitchen table but is now my Yarn Room table. One chair is with the table and the other went to the desk in the front entry room. I have pattern books on top of the table, needles, a calendar and underneath I am storing two bins with patterns and my big, big pink tote/knapsack that has binders with frequently used patterns. Altogether this is really well organized. I started putting up a few pictures but I need help to do most of it.

I am going to take some pictures of the attic with everything moved into the sections where they should be. I need to toss stuff and get rid of the bags but that will have to wait. It took me quite a while Friday afternoon just to get things where I wanted them. And after working on the Yarn Room yesterday I am done for a while.

I will, however, take a picture of the mantle in the livingroom above the stove because I finally got that decorated the way I wanted. Can't wait to hang up pictures in my bedroom and the livingroom (and my wonderful clock!) but those need to wait until someone can help me.

But I did finally unload the pictures and I am sharing them here. I am going to put together a CD with all the pictures, good and bad, to take to my brother so he can keep that and we'll show them to my mother. I thought about printing pictures but I think if I want to do that I will wait until I am there and have the CD. At least for now everything is on the computer.

The house is such a wonderful place for me. I am comfortable, relaxed, happy. Susan was right - I DO deserve this. Goes to prove - always listen to your sister!

Empty Camera, Full Blog

2010-04-18T09:45:00.000-07:00

I finally unloaded the pictures from the camera and can now do some posting. I'll only post the better stuff because there are so many pictures I took during unloaded and before setting things up. I figure nobody really needs to see all of those anyway and some already have since they were here during all that.

So on the left is a picture of the seating in the livingroom. On the right is the tile room after Susan and her family kindly finished setting it up for me on Friday night March 26th, moving day. The entire room turned out better than I had planned because Lisa thought it would look better that way and she was right!

On the left is a picture of how I set up the bed on the day I moved in. On the right is my quilt rack with the fleece blanket Susan made me which got me addicted to making them. The bookcase holds only a portion of what I own (lots more in the cabinet in the diningroom).

More post-set-up pictures in another post. Don't want to make blogger mad!

The Insurance Racket

2010-04-13T07:29:00.000-07:00

Gotta love insurance companies. I have recently changed from renter's to home owner's and the auto has been switched to the same company. I received a nice little "not a bill" from my prior auto insurance company and six months coverage will only cost me $413 for full coverage. That's 3/4 what the car is worth! I have dropped full coverage with the new policy so it's about $200/6 months but I know based on my mileage it will go up about $40 when it's due again. Still, $480/yr. for a car worth $1200 is a lot. But I had to have higher than basic coverage to protect my house ($100k v $15k). That's worth it. Wouldn't want to lose the house.

Still, insurance is expensive. And I don't want to talk about my health insurance. When the agent tells you to consider it catastrophic only, that's not good. I no longer can have the lab tests he wants and instead get just one at his office the day of visit. They charge me $17 for the test the lab charges $350. If I can write off what I pay for meds and premiums and it's enough, at least this year it might help. I will be able to get the $8k credit for buying the house and I can deduct interest, charitable gifts and business expenses. And maybe have enough to pay myself back for the repairs I have made and still need to make.

Eventually it will be cheaper to NOT work. I can get better health coverage, housing and food assistance. Hey, even mortage payment might be made by the government! Pretty soon between what the feds and state take for taxes I won't be able to afford to work. This is sad. What has happened to our country?

Guess it's the insurance racket. And then some.

Time

2010-04-12T04:18:00.000-07:00

I have not had time to post. Yes I have pictures but I have not really had much time at home. Except for organizing the Yarn Room and going through things in the attic mostly everything is where it should be now. I've been living here in this nice house for 2 weeks now. I need to download the pictures from my camera to my computer so I can post them. I need to update my Crafty Rantings. I just have been busy working and putting away and at night I don't feel like being on the computer. I am having to readjust my schedule because the computer is in the Yarn Room and away from everything else. That's how I wanted it. I suppose I could change it and move it into the livingroom where the desk is but quite frankly I don't want to. I don't mind not being on the computer as much. Just makes blogging harder. :)

I am going to New Hampshire for Mother's Day. I am looking forward to that. Four weeks from now I will be there. Then after I get back I will be going to the Legal Secretaries annual conference. Our association is putting it on. My friend Brooke is going to be the president of the state LSI. I'll need another vacation after that!

I am happy here in my nice home. I haven't put up pictures but I think I have a couple of people who will help me do that once I'm ready. I also want to have a little open house but that probably won't be until early June now. Too many things going on. And by then I hope to at least have the attic somewhat organized even if not cleaned out of junk.

Because it's been so long since I blogged I figured even though I had no pictures this was a start. I am happy and well and learning to cook again. I am able to indulge my fondness for cheese omelets with toast and grilled hot dogs. My new appliances (thanks Mom!) are wonderful. I've had some glitches (overflowing toilets, no hot water, no phone) but knock on wood those seem to be ok. I had a plumber get rid of the roots in the sewer system so the drains drain and the toilets don't overflow. A co-worker and her husband put a vent over an open space by the water heater and that stopped the pilot light from continually going out so now I have hot water. The wiring for the phone box is now fixed (and an extra $7 month for wiring insurance) so the extra $200+ I have had to spend out to get things back to how they should be has been worth it. And now I have a good plumber if I need one but hopefully won't. Now I just need to get the lawn mowed again. Alma volunteered but I don't know if I want her doing that kind of thing for me. Bad enough she has to do her own! I have someone who hopefully might do it and not charge me a fortune. And I hope to have the money to get the outside repairs done so I can do a refinance and get a 30 year loan soon before the rates go up too much.

My first mortgage payment is due this week. I have paid my first phone bill, water bill, garbage bill and satellite bill. Just waiting for the electric bill. I dread that.

I don't know when I'll get pictures posted but know that I'm doing good. I am really happy with all this space. My own space. That's so much nicer than I had anticipated and I had really high hopes.

Hopefully pictures at some point soon. Wish it were Friday already. :)

Yes, Still Living

2010-03-25T07:21:00.000-07:00

Although I continually wonder how.

Amy went with me last night to the house. She helped move things away from where the tv is going (now it's all in front of the stairs!) and all the things that were in the tile room are now in the kitchen. The house is a complete disaster. I am exhausted and discouraged and the big furniture and heaviest boxes come tomorrow. I am ditching all of the VHS tapes except for the family home movies and two or three I just can't part with because they aren't on dvd. Amy is coming over tomorrow about 11am and will, once again, help me set up after the movers are gone. With two of us hopefully it will move faster.

The sad thing is I cannot figure out why the brand new water heater I have won't stay lit. And I don't know how to light it. I have to wait for Susan or Dan to come over and show me how. I should not have to light it every day. Perhaps it's just a matter of adjustment. I am hoping Dan can fix it because I need to be able to have hot water. Shower. Dishwasher. I have laundry to do but fortunately that will be cold water.

I did not go to sleep until after 10:30pm last night and up at 4am. Tonight I have to take apart my computer, tag everything so I can get it back together, watch the things on my dvr and then hopefully David will disconnect it all for me after 9pm. He is so anxious for me to be gone. I am anxious to be gone. I need to load up my car with the things I will be taking but I can do that in the morning since I will have no tv, computer and if I get that done I will dig out my work tote bag from the car and knit. After I go to McDonald's to pick up coffee since my coffeemaker is at the house although not set up yet.

I am so horribly exhausted. And sore. My right knee has NEVER felt this bad. My right shoulder blade feels like it's bone scraping on bone. My work pants are falling off which means, I hope, that even though I have not been on the treadmill for a month I might be losing a bit of weight. I have set my goal for being back on the treadmill on a daily basis for Monday, April 19th. I was going to shoot for the 12th but unless my knee heals even the 19th won't happen. I know I am doing damage to it with all this up and down and moving. Add the treadmill and only bad things ensue.

Oh, and did I mention that somehow last night I sprained my right big toe? No? Well, somehow, stupidly, I did.

I found the box of my knitting books which went up into the attic and will have to come down. Hope to find the box with the plates. Found one and I know the other is there but I am hoping it's in the pile in my closet that is going to be put away tomorrow.

After the tv is set up Amy and I are going to take a break and sit in the livingroom for a bit. I do need to make sure I know how to run everything. I will do that before they leave but like everything it will need practice. :)

I can't wait to be in the house and have things put away. It is such a nice house. I think of it as a little house but it isn't. 1,664 square feet is NOT really little.

I can't wait to sleep in Saturday morning. Hopefully most everything will be put away, the computer and tv will be working AND, with luck, I will have hot water.

Until then, though, another hour of sleep would be nice.

Fortunate Me

2010-03-12T16:17:00.001-08:00

I am truly a fortunate person. I have a wonderful family. They have always supported me even when I have done stupid things. But let's make this perfectly clear up front - buying this house is NOT a stupid thing. It is probably one of the smartest things I have ever done.

I am fortunate in that I have truly wonderful friends. Jo and Fred and Tammy are helping me move the storage unit which contains the majority of what I need to set up in the house (or put away). Alma and Amy are helping me pack and move.

And what can I say about Susan? She really is the sister I never had. She has encouraged me every step of the way. She has made me believe that I truly deserve this house and the happiness I will have. She has had faith in me when I had none in myself.

But you know I am finding I am fortunate in ways that you might not think. My repairman is charging me $5/hr. less than his usual rate because I'm a first time homeowner and as a favor to Susan. My cleaning is being done by people who are friends of Susan's and who usually do commerical cleaning. A friend of mine who is an attorney has a husband who is an electrician and he cleared time on his schedule today to take care of the few minor things my repairman could not.

I turn around and there is alway someone willing to help me make a better life for myself. And I want to cry because I am so fortunate to have so many wonderful people in my life. People who want the best for me. I do not know how I can ever thank them except to live life and be happy and always treasure their love, their help, their kindness. I hope they understand how grateful I am for all of their doings on my behalf.

I believe in being a good friend to everyone. I don't expect anything in return. For me it's always been and always will be the Golden Rule - Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You. I try not to be mean. Even when I want to be.

David has not been nice about any of this and yet I still try to be nice to him. I understand why he's upset. I hope that one day he will see that this was something I had to do for me and he will get past it. We have known each other for 8 years now and it would be a shame to lose a friendship but that will ultimately be his choice.

I am a truly fortunate person. I have found wonderful people to be a part of my life. I only hope that they think the same of me.

Friday March 12, 2010

2010-03-12T15:58:00.000-08:00

Well the kitchen has been cleaned and the oak cabinets look so nice! And as proof, look... I even put some food in the cupboards! Just a few things I had purchased and had been carrying around in the trunk.

Here are some more improvement pictures:

I put a few little things in the windowbox. And a picture on the mantle of the farmhouse where I grew up.

There is still so much to do, packing and moving. Tomorrow Alma is coming to help me load up things and get them to the house. Monday and Wednesday next week Amy is going to come help me pack, we'll take things there, unload and put away and then Friday the appliances will hopefully be delivered. Saturday the 20th Jolene, Fred and Tammy are going to help move the contents of the storage unit. Susan will be back from vacation and the entire week of the 22nd she is going to come over to help me pack and move the room before the movers come for the big furniture on the 26th.

Tomorrow I will see what is left to be done, if anything, for the repairman and if I can afford more I will do it. The shed and patio roof need to be done as soon as I can afford it.

What will appear as the post above this is something I need to say. Honest.

Progress

2010-03-08T21:46:00.001-08:00

Susan and I went to the house tonight after our meeting. I thought we could have dinner in Oroville and see what had been done. It was too dark to take pictures of the landscaper's work but he got rid of the trees in back that were a problem and some of the pine tree. I have contacted my realtor to find out why the trash wasn't taken away and why not as much was done on the pine tree as I thought would be done. The overgrown grass and rambling things on the side of the house were gone and what an improvement! Anyway... look at that picture. Can you figure it out?

I thought there was going to be one row of tile above the tub. Instead Chris went all the way to the ceiling and will be putting the final row on which will contain 3 blue tiles spaced apart. This explains why he went and got the extra tile. He also has purchase the baseboard. So far he's changed the door knobs/dead bolts, hung lights and done all the tile and he really has done a lot. He wasn't working tonight but said he should be finished by the end of the week. If when I go he hasn't finished quite everything I will see if he can do the rest and it'll be worth the money. I am majorly impressed with the tile. My bathroom is going to be so much prettier than even I imagined!

Here are some pictures of the fan/lights that were put up and I think it's hard to see the light I had him put in the entry but it really is cute. Try these. I forgot and deleted all the pictures off my camera so for those of you who thought you would be seeing them on the camera, sorry.

The light on the left is in the diningroom. You can see the nice wood beam ceiling. The light on the right is in The Yarn Room. The last picture below is the entry way light fixture but, again, not sure how well you will be able to see it.

I will post pictures when I can. I think next time I will be at the house may not be until Friday. And at some point I have to start packing. When Susan is back from vacation we will do as much as we can, probably every night. Anyone wants to help I will gladly say yes. Here's the light:

Busy But Progress

2010-03-06T05:27:00.001-08:00

I am almost afraid to blog about what I have done because when I write it down it's scary. The Deed to transfer ownership of the house to me recorded Thursday morning the 4th. Here's what I have done since then:

1. Changed the electric/power into my name
2. Change the garbage service into my name and arranged to have new containers brought to the house
3. Changed the water service into my name
4. Arranged to have satellite service installed at my house
5. Hired movers for the big furniture for the date I need
6. Placed the final order and paid for the appliances (thank you again to Mom!)
7. Arranged for a landscaper to clean up the garbage in the yard, trim the trees as far back as possible and mow the grass/clean the yard
8. Arranged to meet the repairman this morning and will get an estimate and go buy repair related items
9. Purchased a new toilet seat for each of the toilets
10. Discovered the toilet in the full bath isn't working and it probably is just needing a chain
11. Purchased 2 new inexpensive lights for the hallway and attic and the light bulbs for them
12. Purchase a 4 pack of 75 watt bulbs for other lights (still have to get a total of what kind/size and get those today)
13. Purchased face plates for the outlets missing them
14. Purchased a shower curtain and the rings to put it up (may return it - not sure I really like it)
15. Purchased a rug for the full bath (pink!)
16. Purchased a mailbox to replace the bad one at the house
17. Purchased a package for 2 door with regular entry knobs and deadbolts and both sets work with the same key which is what I want
18. Signed the last of the paperwork for the bank's realtor
19. Purchased a few bottles of spice, some tuna, pasta - maybe $10 worth of beginning food related items
20. Purchased a new set of pots/pans for the kitchen (mine are in storage but also old and time to replace)
21. Before the house was mine I went ahead and made a raspberry colored hand towel for the bathroom so the pink rug was a good choice

Somehow I am sure that is not everything but it's a lot. I still need to call the phone company. I will not relate my first attempt. I am going to have to have my home phone number changed because the number I've had since 1997 is a Chico number. I need an Oroville number. I am also changing my cell phone provider and plan but not number.

Oh and did I mention that I have been working full time and I planned and bought my tickets to go see Mom for Mother's Day?

Today will be busy. Susan is meeting me at the house and the repairman is coming. She and I will go buy what he needs. We will take a break and go to Pizza Hut for lunch. She has to be somewhere for 3pm so I expect we'll be done by the time we have lunch. And tomorrow morning I am meeting my ACN rep about the cell phone change.

Monday I will go to AT&T to get them to transfer my phone book from my current phone to the new one. Then I have a meeting.

I'm tired and I haven't even started packing yet! Need to make a list of what still needs to be gathered here at David's so I make sure I have everything. I can't find my broom so I guess I will have to buy that along with all the household stuff I need. I need my ice chest and little cooler, garbage can, an oil lamp (I actually had two but I'd like just one of them back anyway). I also have a bucket somewhere. And I'm taking one roll of garbage bags since I bought the whole box. He probably won't like that. At least he is sorta talking to me again.

I have a lot to accomplish including the physical move but I have gotten a lot done, too. Once the home phone is set up I can set up the DSL. I want everything up and running so that when the furniture arrives and I put the bed together I can actually start living there. I will have a little food, something to drink, glasses, silverware, plates, towels, soap, lights.

Oh my... have to stop blogging. Thinking about all this is making me even more tired!

Reactions

2010-02-28T17:04:00.000-08:00

I was hoping to be surprised with positive reactions when I told Dad and David I was buying a house and moving at the end of the month. Dad seemed alright and wanted to know something about the house. David's reaction is something I will not post about but if you want to know, email me. Let's just say it was typical.

I guess I will have to box up things and take them over the storage unit before I can actually move since it appears there won't be enough room in the bedroom for everything I have to take from here. No, don't ask.

While my friends and family have been happy for me, these friends who took me in have had a different reaction although it was not totally unexpected. I explained that I can't move anything for 2 weeks since there have to be repairs done. I think they would be happy if I left today. But I paid rent through March 31st so even after the big furniture is moved I will leave a few boxes and get the last one on the 3oth. I will be out by the 31st.

There is a lot of work ahead and it's going to be extremely tiring. I will have to find someone to help me hook up the electronics. I am not worried about the computer as long as the phone company hooks up the DSL. It's the DVR/blue ray I worry about. But perhaps the satellite company will do that for me. I still need to arrange that. And a ton of other things.

I guess after I move out whatever friendship I had after almost 7 years will be gone. I am going to try to keep it going but I have a feeling David sees this as no big loss. I feel sad for him. But it is his choice. I am going to move ahead with my life and if I have lost a friend I will be sad but I have other good friends who have proven to be "always there" friends. Glad to know to them I am more than just an income. Thank you. I love you all dearly.

House Pictures

2010-02-28T07:31:00.000-08:00

Tipsy but here's the front of the house.

Not sure how many I can fit in a post but here's a few:

On the left is looking into the kitchen from the diningroom area. There is an "eating bar" there. The picture on the right is what I call "The Tile Room". The futon and treadmill will go here. The door on the right leads to the half bath and is also where the washer & dryer will go.

On the left is looking from the livingroom to the entrance. On the right is the pellet stove inserted into the chimney in the livingroom. Don't know if you can see the laminate flooring or not but it is very, very pretty.

This next of pictures is the kitchen on the left and the attic on the right. I think these are all I can get in here.

Oh What A Thought!

2010-02-27T06:19:00.000-08:00

I have always loved Christmas. That joy was taken away for a long time after my Christmas baby, Shannon, died. I finally got to the point where I could enjoy Christmas again when I moved into the duplex in 2004. And, of course, Matt came along two years later and since then I have celebrated with them which makes it wonderful for me. It fills my heart and makes me so happy! I just wish I could spend more time there!

This year my Christmas Tree and decorations will come out! I can put them up! And other holidays, too, if I want! I have Halloween decorations somewhere. But it's Christmas I am looking forward to decorating the house for the most. I am even thinking I might just invite all my friends over for a Christmas party if I'm ambitious enough. And can clean. And it fits the budget. :)

But what a thought! My Christmas tree out of the box! And I know just where I'm going to put it! YIPPIE!

A Very Tired Penguin

2010-02-27T05:34:00.001-08:00

I will be meeting Susan for breakfast in Oroville at 9am this morning. I am so happy she can make time because I know how busy she is with her family. I expect to be seeing a lot more of her in the next month or so. Susan has offered to help me move. Into my own house.

The economy stinks as we all know. Lots of people have unfortunately lost their homes to foreclosure. So let me share this with you...

When I lived elsewhere and was, stupidly, married to husband #2 we used to go to Oroville a lot since we lived halfway between Oroville and Chico. We used to pass this little house which I thought was cute and said wouldn't it be nice to have that place. It was for sale many years ago but, obviously, I couldn't afford a house.

Susan's daughter Lisa has been looking for a house to buy. She found an absolutely wonderful house in Gridley. I had been feeling cramped in one room. I wanted more space, more privacy, the ability to have people over if I wanted. Living in one room just doesn't fit those requirements. So I had been looking for an apartment. I found a nice little 2 bedroom apartment for $625/month. Problem was the bedrooms were same size and small and almost no kitchen counter space. I do like to cook even if it's just for me although I admit not like I did in the past and having not cooked for over a year it will be tough but hopefully fun.

Anyway... because Lisa was looking to buy I figured what the heck. I started looking. And found that the house I loved was once again for sale. Owned by the bank. For a really, really good price.1664 square feet! 3 bedrooms! Well except that the room upstairs which is truly an attic will be used by me as an attic. There is eave space on both sides of the staircase. There is a shed which was added on that is half storage and the other half is the half bathroom in my 1.5 bathroom house. The kitchen is HUGE. The room off the kitchen, outside the half bath, has the same tile floor as the kitchen so I call it the Tile Room. I will be able to put my treadmill and the futon there for company. The second bedroom downstairs will be my Yarn Room. Crafting and computer. Hope I can fit everything in there! The floor in the entryway, livingroom, diningroom and hall to the kitchen is new laminate flooring. The bathroom is in the worst shape and needs probably about $500 worth of work. There are lot of little things to be done. The big part is cleaning and bathroom. I want to have the oak cabinets in the kitchen cleaned up. Need to have the tree out front trimmed. I have a $1500 budget and hopefully that will cover most of those repairs. The shed needs some finishing and trimming up and the patio roof needs to be taken off. I hope those don't cost more than $500 and will get those done as soon as I can afford them.

My mother has generously purchased the new appliances for the house (the ones in it can't be used) which included gas stove (self cleaning!), fridge, dishwasher, washing machine, dryer and the hood fan with microwave. Expensive. Fabulous housewarming present! Makes it so I can hopefully afford to do this. Moving is expensive. Fees to hook up utilities, arranging tv, phone, garbage, water, need to pay someone to move the big furniture. This is to say nothing of needing to buy a new basic set of pots & pans ($39 at WalMart which I will pick up next week) plus who knows what else. Oh yes... I have no spices or food and almost nothing for cleaning supplies. When I buy my pots and pans I will purchase new toilet seats for the toilets. That's just something I have to do.

I arranged with my bosses to work the 5 days in 4 all month so I can handle supervising repairs, appliance installation/delivery, satellite installation etc. PLUS pack and move. They were generous about it and I truly appreciate it.

So Monday I will leave work early, drive to Oroville and sign the papers. I have the cashier's check for the escrow amount. I am working on getting the insurance which I now find out is horrifically expensive because the cost to replace this beautiful little house I am buying is approximately $377,000!

I got lucky. I got the house I always wanted at a price I could afford. My downpayment is coming from the car payment money I have been continuing to save since I paid it off (plus some other money I have saved). The mortgage payment is actually less than what I currently pay for the one room and storage unit although insurance will be higher and there will be utilities and gas and repairs but it will definitely be worth having my own house.

Jolene and her husband Fred have offered to move the contents of the storage shed for me. Susan has offered to help with my room. Amy may be able to do that, too. I am not sure David will help and I can't blame him, in a way. He will be very unhappy tomorrow when I give my rent money and notice. But I have to do what is right for me. I can't turn down owning a house for the price of rent.

And this house I love and will be happy in... well it's a rare foreclosure - it needs repairs but nothing major and things that I can get done along the way. My realtor has a great repairman. Today he will check to make sure the heating and air conditioning system (AIR CONDITIONING!!) works. That is the only way this deal will fall through - if it doesn't work. Those are just too expensive. And I will know in time so if I have to stay where I am then I just won't give notice tomorrow. But I'm pretty sure it will work. He is also going to have my written estimate for repairs so I can figure out what can be done outside of the MUST list and fit in my budget. I am hoping that I will be able to pay for moving costs etc. out of my regular paycheck. I won't have to make a mortgage payment until April 15th which means I will have a little breathing room.

I am excited and a bit scared. I am looking forward to picking out the tile to go around the tub in the bathroom and a rug and colors for both those rooms. Curtains. Oh yes... let me tell you some more about Susan, my dear adopted sister.

Last year she remodeled at her house. She was given 2 beautiful Hunter ceiling fans with lights. These run about $150/$160 each. She couldn't use them. She offered them to me because I need lights (some of the fixtures were taken). She has also offered me the motion sensor light for outside of the back door. And some curtains. And hopefully some curtain rods. And furniture. She is looking forward to getting rid of things and giving them a good home.

I am also trying to save my refund money from the government so I can use it to buy a ticket to go see Mom for Mother's Day. I need to talk to Den to see if we should tell her or not.

I am looking forward to a June Friday evening when perhaps Alma is over and we are having a glass of wine, some pizza, watching a movie in my now-settled-in house and that everything is put away. We shall see. A Saturday morning breakfast with Susan in my diningroom. Maybe even a night of knitting and movies with Amy if she feels like knitting again.

So I probably will not be posting much until after the move. I am going to be tired and hurt. I thought it was going to kill me last time. But this time everything at least in the storage unit is packed. The room has some things still packed so I am hoping it's not too bad. But you know what - I don't care. This will be so worth it!

And I am hoping perhaps Ally and Matt can come visit sometime. I'll have to look at my vacation time. If I take a week in May I would probably only have a day or two but maybe they could come up so that a weekend would be involved and we'd have 4 days together. That would be nice. And I still am hopefully able to go there for Christmas. I know they plan to move this year, too.

The nice part is that hopefully before my birthday I will financially be back on track and able to start saving again. My budget is such that I should be able to save. Probably not as much as I do now but if I can save half that will help.

Exciting time for a very tired penguin.

Still Here

2010-02-10T05:20:00.000-08:00

I've been busy doing things and haven't posted. I realize I need to say something. I am working on something personal that is huge and time consuming. I still find some time to knit and to see friends. I'm tired all the time. I had one night where I only slept 2 hours. Yuck. Anyway I am hoping to get some extra rest this weekend but who knows.

Sunday is the NBA All Star game which I am really looking forward to watching since Rajon Rondo gets to be in his first game. And, of course, Kevin Garnett and my beloved "Oh Captain, My Captain" Paul Pierce. Yup, still a HUGE fan of the Boston Celtics. Just wish they could get their act together and win a second half as well as they win a first half. This is the problem when 3 of your starting 5 are getting old (for basketball) and have had injuries. I hate hearing how the Celtics are old and tired but I am starting to think that might be true. I don't think Paul, Kevin and Ray have another year. Maybe but it won't be pretty. Sure wish Doc Rivers would put the starting 5 in for first and third quarters only and let a second team do second and fourth. Eddie House, Glen Davis, Tony Allen. Let them go in. I think if the Celtics are going to have any chance this year they need to rotate and start allowing second team members to play in order to get better to become first team when the Big Three have to retire.

Enough spouting about basketball. :) Time to get ready for work.

Frustrations

2010-01-22T15:13:00.001-08:00

As much as I hate to think about this, I think I am going to have to move. I am so sick and tired of some things that keep going on and when I have complained, nothing changes. I do not have a lock on the door to my room. I am sure if I asked for one they'd be offended. But they come in to my room when I am not here (while I'm working earning money to give them for the room!) and they use my shower, leave the windows open so it's nice and cold in my room and I just feel like I have no sense of privacy. And then David knocks on my door and offers to do my laundry. Geez. I have no idea what is going on. I'm going to fill out paperwork to see if I could pre-qualify for any kind of loan because there are some condos that seem affordable and big enough. We'll see how motivated I am to actually move. But if I could get mortgage payments the same as rent it would be something to seriously consider.

I have to do a ton of knitting this weekend. I'm tired. That adds to everything and is why this was titled "frustrations". Oh and the Celtics are playing again tonight and they do nothing but lose lately. Every team I root for. So if every team I root for is going to lose, let me loudly begin the cheer...

GO LAKERS!

Quickie

2010-01-20T04:39:00.000-08:00

First, I was able to get the headlight changed last night and that is good. Only took me about 1.5 hours of waiting which isn't bad considering they were short staffed.

Second, I would like to say I am very happy Scott Brown won in Massachusetts. I like (and encourage) the idea that it is The People's Seat. I think he has his work cut out for him but I believe he will do a good job.

Is it Friday yet? :)

LTNP

2010-01-19T06:45:00.001-08:00

Yup, long time no post. Not that I've been overly busy. I have been knitting up a storm since Christmas. I will post about that on my Crafty Rantings blog hopefully soon.

The weather is wet and windy and what winter is supposed to be like in northern California.

I talked to Ally over the weekend which I enjoy. And Matt wouldn't talk but at least he listened for a moment or two. Hopefully I can go visit him again well before his 4th birthday next December.

I am also hoping to plan a trip to visit my mom. She's been having a rough winter weather-wise and I know come spring she would like some company.

Typically I don't post anything political but here's my mini political thing.

Massachusetts, if you're smart you'll elect Scott Brown. And please, would everyone STOP referring to it as "the Kennedy seat"? It's a representative seat to represent the PEOPLE of Massachusetts. It isn't owned by a Kennedy. It isn't supposed to be a Kennedy in it or someone sponsored by a Kennedy. If this were the case then in California when it comes time to fill "the Boxer seat" or "the Feinstein seat" or, in November when hopefully they remove Harry Reid and Nevada attempts to fill "the Reid seat" perhaps they can ALL go back to being the PEOPLE's REPRESENTATIVE's seat.

Had the low-beam part of my driver's side headlight go out this morning (think it had been dying for some time) which means replacing both headlights. I am hoping I can get that done at WalMart tonight after work. It was so darn expensive last time when I had to go to another place. I am going to call and find out. Sadly it must be done tonight even though I don't drive at night because when it rains we need to have them on (by law and common sense) and I drive to work in the dark in the morning. Not a big worry but annoying.

I have been dealing with a stuffy nose since Christmas vacation. I think it might be the continual going from cold to hot in and out of home, work, car. I don't have plans for the weekend so maybe I can rest up a bit.

Until then... the mutant penguin is still rambling. Oh, and twittering, too. Although I'd much rather be frittering.

A Quick Christmas Post

2009-12-29T18:32:00.000-08:00

This is my favorite Christmas Eve picture. Matt turned 3 that morning. We were out doing what we have done for the past 3 years - we were looking at Christmas lights. This year was so different! Matt loved looking at all the lights. He got out with Mom and walked and walked and walked. Here are a few other pictures:

Matt decided he wanted to hide. That picture with his mom was the morning of his birthday. He hid behind her robe and after Ally said that I was HER mother, gave me a hug and a kiss, Matt decided I was OK. By the end of the visit Matt kept saying "Like Grammy" and when I asked him if I could come visit again he said "Yes, like Grammy" so I am hoping to be able to go again in the spring. The picture on the right he is wearing the SpongeBob Christmas jammies I bought him for his birthday. I believe this was early Christmas morning. He was in the middle of his "I WON!" pose which is him throwing up his hands, laughing and saying, "I WON!" I have yet to figure out what it was he won unless he's talking about having won great parents, much love, cuteness, niceness and politeness. He is a very well behaved little boy with good manners. Right, mom? hehe

Another picture or two...

Matt got a microphone and loved it. The funniest thing he did was march around singing "Jingle Bells" very loudly into the microphone. Then he came up to me, dropped it on the floor, looked at it, looked up at me and said, "I can't sing" and walked off. It cracked me up. What a darling!

Being able to be there for Matt's birthday, especially first thing in the morning, and Christmas is something I look forward to all year. It makes my heart so happy! I was in desperate need of a family fix. I wish I could be more a part of his life than just packages and phone calls. But if I can go 2 or 3 times a year then perhaps he will remember me from visit to visit and I can finally be greeted with a smile, a kiss and a "It's Grammy!". Now what that wouldn't do to lighten an old lady's heart!

There Are Things We Should Never Post

2009-12-12T08:21:00.000-08:00

OK I had something I wanted to post but I will not. I know there are some things you just DO NOT put out into space here on the internet. So instead I will just say that yesterday my brother's grandson, Andrew, turned 3 and that soon so will mine, Matt. About a week and a half from now I will fly down south. I haven't seen them in a year. That is a very long time.

I've got things to do today but knowing I haven't posted for a long time I figured it was time to say something.

I've had all my Christmas shopping and wrapping done since before December. Now I have just worked on a couple little things I thought of, last minute, I would like to do. Today I don't know if I'm going shopping with Susan or if I will be doing my own things. I need to do laundry, go to Joann's, pick up some medication and other things at WalMart. I should get moving but am not ready quite yet. It's still early. Time to have some coffee and read email.

I have to update my crafty blog but it's hard to do that when all the pictures you have taken are of things you're giving as gifts for Christmas. Actually I do have one picture I can post so perhaps I will.

It has been very cold here this week but yesterday it warmed up enough to rain. It's warm enough for that today, too. Back to typical weather (40's). I guess that means I really should get moving.

I'm still counting my blessings daily and Monday through Friday I am walking on the treadmill at about 4:30am. I'm doing 8 minutes a day. Not a lot but certainly better than nothing. I'm looking forward to being able to spend time with Ally, Matt, Sean and Joey. I am desperately in need of a family fix. I miss my family. There is no good solution. I need the weather here and they're everywhere else. Life sure is complicated.

Almost Thanksgiving

2009-11-22T08:00:00.000-08:00

At the Legal Secretaries conference last weekend our Sunday morning brunch speaker was Kevin Bracy who is a motivational speaker. I was pleasantly surprised to see that I already do a lot of what he recommends. I start each day (during the week) with 7 minutes on the treadmill for my physical well being. I spend quiet time. I count my blessings. I tell myself today will be a good day and that I will accomplish what I set out to accomplish.

Friday morning I made myself a list of everything I wanted to get done this weekend that was craft related. Projects to finish which were started and projects to start which were needed to get done. I finished the 2 projects which were started and finished another three. I am starting two more today. But there is something else...

Thursday is Thanksgiving. Some people view it as a time to eat, to watch football, to get together with family they don't really care to see more than once a year. I guess that's not me.

I remember the real reason for Thanksgiving. Maybe it's because I was brought up in New England. Life in the winter there is so hard, even now. Back then it was worse. Having time to share the harvest and be thankful that you have made it this far. Given the current economic times, perhaps we should again hope that all people recognize that just being here, having food to eat and not being alone, that's an accomplishment. And we should truly give thanks.

I have such a long list of blessings and people and things to be thankful for each and every day. Here's some of them, in no particular order:

1. A place to live with friends who love me and support me and treat me like family.
2. My own family - my wonderful mother, my dear twin brother who understands me like no one else, my darling daughter and her husband and my sweet grandson Matthew. My great nephew Andrew who always makes my heart light with his smile and his sweet gentle spirit. My son who I have not seen for a long time. My nephews, cousins and their families. I am also thankful for the family that is no longer with me, for the love they gave me and the lessons they taught me. I love them still. I miss my dad each and every day and I am thankful for having had him in my life.
3. My friends who are my family here. David and Dad. Susan and all her wonderful family. I will be having Thanksgiving dinner with them, as always. They do not let me spend holidays alone. Amy. My co-workers. My dear friends from Butte County Legal Professionals. And Alma who has made the last year of my life easier to get through just by being such a wonderful friend. I am so glad to have had her come into my life.
4. I have a job to go to that I love and at which I am talented. The job provides me the money to afford the place where I live, the food I eat, the clothes I wear and the ability to travel to see my family and do for others.
5. I have my faith in God. I know He is there for me. I pray He forgives me for all the wrongs I do and I ask for guidance to do that which is right. Knowing God is there for me is something I am thankful for every day.
6. I am always thankful for the ability to knit and crochet. I enjoy being able to create for others and to share the things I can create.
7. I am thankful even after all of these years for the sacrifices my parents made for me. The years when I had winter clothing that fit me, including boots, while my mother made do with worn out boots and coats. For the years when my dad worked two jobs just so I could go to college. For the Wednesday night spaghetti and the Saturday night hot dogs and baked beans. For the wonderful example they set for me and for showing me that as long as you have family, you can get through anything. And for doing just that when life was really, really hard. Like the year dad was attacked by a drug dealer's dog for standing up to him. And for staying together after the drug dealer burned down our house. For the solidity and love that they gave my life, that my mother continues to give my life. How could I ever not be thankful for that?
8. I'm thankful for the material things I am lucky to have which make my life as good as it is - Dunkin' Donuts coffee in the morning, a great bed to sleep in, a beautiful HD TV to watch the movies I am addicted to, for a car that might look bad but which runs well and that great leather chair-and-a-half in the livingroom that provides me with a comfy place to knit. And the fleece blankets I've made which keep me warm while I sit there. I do not underestimate how blessed I am to have these things. But I do remember - they are just THINGS.

If you are reading this, I am thankful you have taken the time to read my words. I hope you, too, will count the blessings in your life not just today but, as Kevin Bracy suggests and I have done as long as I can remember, every single day.

I hope your Thanksgiving is filled with love and blessings. Not just this year but every year. I know mine is.

Updating

2009-11-16T07:09:00.000-08:00

OK when I get the pictures off my camera I will update with a picture or two from the Legal Secretaries conference I went to this past weekend. I am busy making presents for the holidays and just trying to get better organized. The organizing isn't happening. I am going to have to seriously do some sorting when I have the week off between Christmas and New Year's.

Less than a month from now it is Andrew's 3rd birthday. Then it will be Matt's. Before then is Thanksgiving and Black Friday and boy am I going to be tired!

More later! (I Hope!)

Still Catching Up

2009-11-03T05:36:00.001-08:00

Well I am still catching up from vacation. I went to sleep early every night last week and even over the weekend. Here are some more pictures from vacation:

The leaves, of course, and a picture of Den and I with the Ray Allen poster downstairs at the Boston Garden. I love that they have these posters you can have your picture taken with since seeing the real guys only happens on the court.

And just a couple more pictures. My dear friends Jeannie and Torse at Dover Point and, of course, the Nubble Light at York Beach, Maine. I have go to there every year. It just makes my soul happy.

Vacation Things

2009-10-25T11:15:00.000-07:00

OK I have a lot of pictures. Here are a few to start:

The picture on the left is my brother and his grandson Andrew. The picture on the right is Andrew and his Grammy Punkin, my brother's ex-wife.

Here are a few other pictures:

Andrew is such a happy, energetic and wonderful little boy. Since I can't see Matt I can see what Matt must be like by spending time with Andrew. The picture on the right is Andrew with his Great Grammy, my mom.

I have lots of other pictures but this will have to start. Here's one my nephew Ryan took which I love:

Vacation Prep

2009-10-05T05:06:00.001-07:00

Getting ready for vacation. Mostly packed but I have a list of last minute things to shop for and pack. I am sure I have too much stuff to take with me. I am thinking perhaps I should send a second box to Mom's house for ahead of time. The good news is that Dad has said he will take me to the airport and pick me up so I won't have to pay the $250 for parking. Major ouch!

I am excited about vacation but trying to focus so I can get work done this week and get organized. I imagine Friday will be last minute stress. I think I'm going to lunch with Alma. Need to check that out. And it would just be so much better if I could have ALL of Friday off but that's ok, I'll manage. After all, my two week vacation starts at noon on Friday!

I don't know how often I'll be able to post while I'm gone. I will try to get to visit Den's computer two or three times a week but who knows. I can't wait for the great birthday! CELTICS RULE!! And of course, spending a day with my dearest friends, the PSC gals. I have known them since I was 17. That is a long time. They have always been there for me and I would be so much less a person without them in my life. How lucky I am!

I will try to post more before I leave but if not, know I am going to have a great vacation!

Soon

2009-10-02T07:07:00.000-07:00

I go on vacation starting the 10th. Actually, starting at noon next Friday. I am going to lunch with my friend Alma. I need to have David get my suitcase so I can start packing. It will be nice to see family. And THE CELTICS!!!

More later.

Ouch

2009-09-26T20:40:00.000-07:00

Tuesday night I ran into the little 2 drawer chest in my bedroom. Hit the middle toe of my left foot straight into the sharp corner. It is totally black and blue. I have been icing it and trying to stay off it. Still hurts. I am hoping it is healed before I arrive in New Hampshire two weeks from tonight.

I am tired so maybe I will sleep in tomorrow. I will try anyway. Was going to go out into the livingroom to watch football with David but not sure he wants me to so I may just stay in my room most of the day. Shall see.

I finished one washcloth, knit, the other night so started a crocheted one. Finished that. Started another knit. But lost enthusiasm at the moment. Nothing to watch on tv, don't want to craft and reading has been kinda hard to do since I had my cataract surgeries in 2004. Can't read like I used to... I get blurry fast. But I may try that. Maybe find a DVD among the few that aren't in big boxes in the closets and watch something. I'm not sure what I'm in the mood to see so if I can't think of anything right away I may just go ahead and watch a movie that is on my "keep" list on the DVR. It's a horrible movie but I should watch it before I go east. It's "Celtic Pride" with Dan Aykroyd. Really bad. Saw it a long time ago. I can only hope it isn't really as bad as I remember. Deals with two fanatics who want to kidnap Kevin McHale (yeah, ok, so would I but not for the same reasons... the guy is still darn good looking to this old penguin!). Anyway, it's something. But I know I should read some of the book I've been trying to read all year. Used to be I could finish a book in a week. Maybe I need to force myself to read more.

I can't wait to get my first Dunkin' Donut at the Manchester airport! I'm looking forward to a long hug with my brother and another with my mother. I know I was there in May but it seems so long ago. I probably can't go next May... I forgot we have the annual conference in Sacramento for Legal Secretaries which our association is putting on (with help from one of the Sacramento groups).

I have my tickets for my December trip to see Ally and Matt. Not as much time as I'd like but I can't interfer in her life too much. Wish I had room here so someone (anyone!) could visit me.

I am addicted to "Fringe" on Fox and have been watching almost every old "Frasier" episode Lifetime shows. I have a short list of programs I just MUST see but none of them are "new" this season except for "Warehouse 13", "Royal Pains" and a couple of Food Network shows like "Chopped" and "Chef vs. City". I'm still watching every Law & Order out there. My DVR gets filled during the week and it takes me all Saturday to catch up. That's ok... I don't go anywhere or do much of anything.

Today I tried to keep busy or occupied. Anything to not think but... ouch...

It was 11 years ago today my dad died. Still painful. Still sad. Always will be I expect.

I still love you and miss you Dad. See you when it's time.

Odd Tuesday

2009-09-22T13:07:00.000-07:00

I don't post about much of anything so why not post something on Odd Tuesday. Well it's odd to me.

I am addicted to playing games at pogo.com because I love word games, slots, puzzles. Not so much the sim games but definitely word, slots and puzzles. I can be found in a the 50's age group room called "Idiomatics" in a game called Word Whomp. Or, as much as I hate the saying, in a lot of the 50's age group list of rooms there is a room called "Aged to Perfection". I go in there for other fun things like Hog Heaven slots.

Anyway, I find it odd, on this Tuesday anyway, that there is the expression "Aged to perfection". I will never be perfect. I won't even come close to "really imperfect".

Who the hell thinks these things up? Why do people think they're cute? Reality is, reality stinks. Maybe this is why so many people take drugs. Or why I eat. Who knows.

On Twitter I keep getting spam followers. Use certain words and you get these spam accounts that "follow" you. Usually they're trying to sell you something or some other bogus stupid thing. Lately I seem to get hit by the spamming male escorts who would run if they ever saw me. I still get a lot of things in my spam folder urging me to buy replica watches and enlarge my penis. Or it's the Internal Revenue Service warning me about unreported income. IRS doesn't do email. Talk about scams.

It is one odd Tuesday. I am watching Netflix movies tonight and I think I will have a bowl of popcorn for dinner. I don't want to have heavy things on my mind or in my stomach today.

Odd. It's Tuesday. Or is it Tuesday and I'm odd? No, wait... I am always odd. It's just Odd. And Tuesday.

Is It Autumn Yet?

2009-09-17T20:34:00.000-07:00

Oh soon I hope! I am ready for cooler weather. I can tell autumn is coming. Winter, too. When I leave for work at 6am now I *always* have to turn on my headlights. And this week, the defroster. Autumn will be here when I return from vacation.

I am waiting for that walk on the beach. To feel the cold wind rip through my short hair. To huddle inside my jacket. I will bring a fleece zip up jacket just for this trip. I wait to once again fill my nostrils and lungs with that tangy salt sea air that only York Beach has - air I can taste and almost touch. I want to sink into the sand in my sneakers as I walk towards the wetter sand hoping to get a few rocks and shells to bring home with me. Things I can hold in my hand that will bring back the smells, the memories, the happiness, when I am back in central California where the ocean is a long way away.

I want to make a fleece blanket for my mother while I am there. Some cold, dark night while we're sitting in the livingroom talking and pretending to watch a movie or tv show we both like I want to have a tv tray table in front of me with fleece and scissors and craft something just for Mom while we're talking. She is so appreciative of whatever I make her. I already know I will be knitting and/or crocheting like crazy while I'm there. I always do. She loves a variegated color scheme that, quite frankly, I really don't like. I will make as many washcloths as I can with that color for her.

Autumn means more than cooling weather and more darkness (which I love). It is more than a shared birthday with my twin brother. It's that last trip to the beach. It's knowing that after two weeks with family my heart will be heavy until Thanksgiving which I will hopefully spend with Susan. And then it will plunge again until I board the plane to go see Ally and Matt and Sean and Joey the night before Matt's birthday.

Autumn is my favorite season. It means family. It means feeling happy most of the time. It means I lived through another Chico summer although that was a LOT easier this year than it's been for a long time. I live in a place with central air conditioning. And this winter, like last, I will be warm again.

Autumn means I will give and receive many hugs and kisses from people I love. My family. The PSC Gals. It is going home and feeling like ME.

Is it autumn yet?

A Few Other Thoughts

2009-09-11T07:53:00.000-07:00

I have been feeling very unhappy of late. I have been a hermit, for the most part. My friends are busy dealing with their lives, my family lives a long ways away. I am researching cell phone plans that I can get with unlimited calling because I find myself wanting to talk to my Mom as often as possible. I guess I just feel like she's the only person I can talk to whose life I am not intruding upon if I call. I need to get out and do more things but anyone who knows me knows I hate doing a lot of things alone. But today perhaps I will. I do not want to be sitting in my room all day. I will do my laundry this morning and then I will pick up a bit in my room, take a shower and go somewhere. I have no shopping that needs to be done and no swaps to get sent out so it will have to be something different. Amy has been spending a lot of time in Reno visiting her father who is having a terrible time living without the woman he was married to for over 50 years. Alma is in Arizona with her daughter visiting friends. I am at loose ends.

I can't wait for vacation. Not just the Celtics game but mostly just to be with family. I sleep better, feel better and it's always hard to leave. It's the one place I feel like I truly fit in. And lately I have been feeling like I don't fit in anywhere. So perhaps if I do something out of the ordinary and enjoy it that will help me feel better.

I bought my tickets to go see Matt for his birthday. I will get 3 days with him and Ally this year. Better than 0. And I will get to see little darling Andrew while I'm in New Hampshire. Can't help but have a light heart and smile around him. He is such a cheerful little boy.

Coffee time and then laundry. Time to adjust the attitude. And longitude. :)

Today

2009-09-11T07:47:00.001-07:00

I can't imagine there aren't too many people over the age of 20 who don't remember where they were on September 11, 2001. And those of us who were older then felt a kind of terror we had never known. We had lived through wars. But they were wars that did not happen on US soil with the exception of Pearl Harbor and that was before my time. Dad and I have discussed this quite a bit since he was in the Korean War. Americans never had to deal with the aftermath of bombs being dropped on their homes or of soldiers from another country shooting at them on their way to work. We were, for the most part, unscathed on our land. Until September 11, 2001. That was a terrible day. Not just in the amount of lives lost, through no fault of their own, but in how we looked at other people in our own land. In how our security was ripped away from us in an instant.

I don't care what you say about George W. Bush. But there is one thing you should agree on - he did what was necessary to protect his people, the people he was elected to lead as Commander in Chief and the people he promised to protect. And he did his job. He stepped up to the plate.

I will never forget how I felt that day. And I can still hear the echoes of "Do You Remember?" playing on the radio and everywhere I went. To this day even just hearing it in my mind can make me cry. Oh yes. I remember. And I will never forget. I hope you don't, either.

Sad News

2009-08-31T05:59:00.000-07:00

I think I know why I've been feeling sad lately. Two good friends of mine have lost family members within the last week. My friend Julie's sister Cindy died over the weekend before (not this weekend) and last Monday my dear friend Amy's mom died. And I can think of nothing really to help them but let them know I'm there.

Weekend Catch-Up

2009-08-30T09:32:00.000-07:00

Time to catch up, I suppose.

OK I had written a bunch of stuff but it was too depressing to post so I deleted it. Let's just say my world keeps getting smaller and more lonely. I know vacation is coming up and that will be good. I will see family and friends. It's all that time inbetween that is difficult.

I think I will spend most of my day doing nothing. Very reflective of my life. And definitely time to NOT post anything again.

Wednesday Stuff

2009-08-26T06:53:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow my brother is going to buy the tickets to the Celtics game which we will attend on our birthday. Yippie!

I have been looking into tickets to go visit Ally, Matt and Sean for Christmas. I can probably get a flight for about $150.

I am making plans to attend the November Legal Secretaries, Inc. conference. Guess that means I need to put in for the time off, see if the boss will agree to pay for my ticket (I'll share a room with Susan - I may have to come up with half of that on my own) and send in my registration form. It's not due until the end of September so at least I have time.

What else is happening? Not a lot. I am having lunch with Alma this Friday so I will use that opportunity to give her the beads I have which she can use on the paper mache (OK so I can't spell!) shoes she is making for the conference we are giving next May.

Oh now that just popped into my head. I may not be able to go visit my mom for Mother's Day because of the conference. Bummer. I will have to sit down with a calendar and calculator to figure that out. I wasn't planning on using my spring vacation for the conference. Ugh.

I have no real plans for this weekend or any other until October. I have a doctor's appointment next Tuesday. Then there is a long weekend for Labor Day. I'm going to work extra time that week so I can have Friday off since my boss will be out of town and he has said when he's out of town I can do that. That'll be interesting. Busy time while I'm there but an extra day off is always nice.

The weather is supposed to be heating up. Not fond of that.

I am becoming more and more of a hermit. I haven't been able to reach Amy for a month. I hope she's ok. I wonder if she's at her parents' house. Susan is always incredibly busy so the only time I see her is at the Legal Secretary related meetings. David is holed up in his room most of the time which isn't unusual. I think if I didn't go to lunch with Alma and take a weekly Saturday trip to Joann's across town I would probably never go anywhere. I can do shopping before work. I can pick up my mail. It's scary when I think about it.

Guess I'm glad I'm going on vacation.

Geez

2009-08-22T07:51:00.000-07:00

Well after getting home yesterday and talking with David, it appears the "added service" on the phone bill is something AT&T did for me. They did the same thing to him with a different "webhosting" provider only his was $14.95 a month, not $12.95. He complained and got it taken off. I will be calling AT&T to complain to them about it. If they try to say they have no control over that I will tell them what the webhosting company told me on the phone yesterday - it's AT&T's responsibility to see that doesn't happen again. I hate that we have no other option here but AT&T and you MUST have a landline to have DSL service. Talk about stinking.

GRRR

2009-08-21T06:52:00.000-07:00

Definitely not a good way to start a Friday. I picked up my mail and my regular phone bill was there. It contained a $12.95 charge for some bogus webhosting that I supposedly signed up via the internet. I did NOT. I called them and complained loudly that I did NOT authorize that and would NEVER authorize it and to remove the bogus charge from my phone bill because I was NOT going to pay for it. Apparently someone who knows me used my telephone number (which is unlisted) and my mailing address (which is a PO Box) and signed me up for this "service". If you read my blog and you did this to me, know I check every bill I receive every month and I am very angry at you. You just took a half hour of my life. Hope it was fun for you. It certainly wasn't for me. I had other things to do this morning.

Sad, Sad, Sad

2009-08-17T13:38:00.001-07:00

You would think after almost 53 years here I would have learned. I know better than to let anything make me happy, even for a few minutes. It is always taken away from me.

I have no one to take me to the airport in October. Airfare is really high. I am looking at $700+ just to get to the airport and out of California for vacation. That will be my entire budget.

I know better than to be happy. Don't let me do it again. I am never anything except disappointed and heartbroken.

Happy, Happy, Happy!!!

2009-08-16T15:06:00.000-07:00

I am so happy I am bursting!!! OK, this won't mean much to anyone but me (and maybe my brother) but I just saw the pre-season schedule for the Celtics and THEY ARE PLAYING AT THE GARDEN ON MY BIRTHDAY!!! We are talking about riding the train in for the 1pm game and I will have just want I really wanted for this birthday - to see a LIVE Boston Celtics game AT HOME on MY BIRTHDAY!!!

Den is going to put together the info on train and tickets and let me know.

This is the 50th birthday celebration 3 years late but better late than never. I will update when there's more info. Time to go shopping for airplane tickets!

Sunday Happenings

2009-08-16T09:36:00.000-07:00

Going to meet my friend Alma for brunch and then a bit of shopping. I have to get moving, though, because I need to go to the post office first and that's the other side of town. I want to get a swap put in the mail.

This afternoon I am going to try to motivate myself to start the washcloth blog. It will just be from this point forward. I can't possibly post pictures of all of them or remember all the patterns. But it might be an interesting place to start. You know if I was ambitious I could sell these somewhere and make some extra cash. I've thought about that, about doing commission work. I did in the past, once, and I think for me it would be easier to make them and then sell them instead of having someone say they want a certain pattern in a certain color. Less pressure. But for me it's fun and relaxing. Anyway I think I may start the washcloth blog today. If I don't change my mind.

It's been a quiet weekend. I've finished 3 washcloths, started 2 more and watched a bunch of movies. My typical weekend. Except that today I am leaving the house and seeing a friend. I haven't seen a friend (outside of David) on a weekend for at least a month. I either need new friends or I need the friends I have to have a bit more free time!

So I'm off to get ready so I can leave the house on time. Looking forward to a nice brunch. Yum!

Nothing Much

2009-08-09T09:12:00.000-07:00

Nothing much happening but I figured since I didn't post yesterday I probably should do something today.

I seem to be running out of steam for crafty things so I started one project with a familiar pattern (and yes, it's small) and another with an unfamiliar pattern which is larger. Not sure what I was thinking.

I have watched way too many movies this weekend. I had no plans. Yesterday I spent a few hours away from my room doing things like banking, Joann's shopping and I bought some clothes for work. Today I have no plans at all except for a shower and hopefully dinner with everyone else.

I will call Den and talk to him and update him on something I have to send him. I will call Mom and just find out what she's been doing all day. It's never much but I like listening to her voice. I'd love to be able to hear my dad's voice again. So while she might sometimes make me a bit nutty, I know that listening to her while we're both here gives me some good feelings. I know she won't always be around and I will miss hearing her voice, knowing there is at least one person out there who loves me. It's days like this that I miss my dad a lot.

I don't really have anything to post to Crafty Rantings but I will post something short (like me... hehehe). I only have two things to do this month - pay my car registration and buy tickets for October. OK, make that three - after I find out about tickets I have to put in for the time off.

I try not to think about how I have absolutely nothing planned for September except a hair appointment. Maybe I need to go to the movies more often. Learn to be OK with eating alone in restaurants. Or just plan a day somewhere out of the county. It's early enough I could still go somewhere today. I just have no ambition at the moment. But maybe I'll get motivated.

I think that I'm in the "dull, dead days of summer" here. Ugh.

A Non-Saturday Post!

2009-08-04T05:27:00.000-07:00

It's NOT Saturday and I'm posting! I am so tired lately and no matter if I go to bed early, I can't get enough sleep.

I am trying to think of something to do this weekend. I have a meeting tomorrow night so that will keep me busy. I get movies from Netflix tonight which I will watch which will keep me busy tonight. We still have company here at the house. I am trying not to intrude. I hate being in someone's way. But tonight I'll spend time with everyone because I was so beat last night I just brought home a sandwich and stayed in my room all night. I didn't do anything crafty, just watched a bad movie then went to bed.

BTW I am so glad "Eureka" is back on for the summer! I think it is a totally quirky but fun show. It has drama, science fiction, comedy, romance and at times it's stupid but it is always fun to watch. Not sure I like the fact that SciFi changed it's name to SyFy but I guess they figured nobody could pronounce it correctly or remember how to spell it. The dumbing down of America.

OK, time to get ready for work. And to watch a little morning news while I grab something to eat.

And just for the record, no, Keifer Sutherland STILL doesn't know he has a crush on me. The guy needs to wake up! hehe

Finally, Some Ramblings

2009-08-01T10:12:00.000-07:00

I haven't just rambled on for quite some time. I've talked about things that are too serious for a blog or talked about nothing much. I think this blog is supposed to be a bit of both and lately I have not done a good job of keeping up.

First to something serious. Yesterday was the 22nd anniversary of when my daughter Shannon died. It was also the day my dear friend Tracy retired from her job. She and I worked together in the probate division of the court. To top it off I was sick. It's hard to find a balance when you're sick and crying all day.

So I am glad to report that this morning I am neither sick nor crying. I have no real plans for the day. Tomorrow is my friend Jeannie's birthday (HAPPY BIRTHAY MATOTT!!). She is the 2nd of the group of 4 of us to have her birthday this year. Sherry (YEAH TORSE!!) was the first at the end of May. Bev will be next and I am last. By the time my birthday comes we will be getting together and we will acknowledge the old PSC group getting yet another year older.

Tomorrow is also a made-up holiday called "Friendship Day" (or something similar). I have no one to celebrate it with even though I have friends. Perhaps I will call Amy and see if she'd like to go to brunch and/or a movie. But I also know that Sunday is the day her son comes to visit so she probably already has plans.

On a side note I started going through all the pictures in my "Crafty 2009" folder on my computer. I was pretty darn sure most everything I've made this year has been washcloths. As it turns out, I was pleasantly surprised. I hadn't forgotten but wasn't counting the capelets I made for Mom and myself, all the scarves and scarflets. Even some other little things. But...

I still think I need to make another crafty blog just for all the washcloths I make. Only problem is I can't come up with a cute enough name to make me happy. If anyone has any ideas, please email me.

Today I will finish a crafting project, watch a movie I received from Netflix and I'm having the second half of my prime rib from dinner last night as my lunch. It was just too much. The food was really good and I just *had* to eat all the onion rings that came with it. I HAD TO!

It's hard to believe it's August already. I need to seriously get started on anything I want to make for Christmas. I was going to make something for my friend Vicky's birthday but she isn't going to get that until Christmas unless I get ambitious. I just don't want to work with wool at the moment. So she'll get something else.

I do not know where I will be for Christmas this year. I was hoping to go to Ally's since I haven't seen them since last Christmas but they are supposed to be moving and she's busy and I need to make plans before I go on my October vacation. I guess I will wait to hear.

And speaking of October vacations, I have been waiting and waiting and waiting for the Boston Celtics fall schedule to be posted ANYWHERE so I can make my travel plans. STILL NO SCHEDULE!!! Yes, I am a HUGE Celtics fan. And I have decided that before I die I want to see a game in person, in Boston and want it to be this year. But no schedule means I can't plan around a home game. So I am going to wait until the middle of the month and by then if there's no schedule I may just have to call the darn place that books the special seats and see if they can help me. I want good seats. Expensive seats. This will be the present I wanted to do when I turned 50. I've saved and saved and saved for almost 3 years for this. I WILL FIND THE SCHEDULE!!!

OK, so I have rambled on about lots of things. I need to go post to my crafty blog now with the pictures of all the cute washcloths I have been making of late. I am currently making one for a swap I hope to send out Monday. I've made a few things lately using washcloth patterns and cotton which are not washcloths - they were purposefully made larger to go on things as "toppers". Anyway, time to post all that.

Until next time... while I may not be rambling on the outside, you can bet I'm rambling on the inside!

Saturday Morning Slowness

2009-07-25T08:19:00.000-07:00

I am so slow this morning. I can't seem to get motivated to do much of anything. It is over 100 every day and even WITH air conditioning I am not motivated to do a lot. Crafting needs to happen so I will force myself.

I am going to call Susan later and arrange to go to her house. I want to drop off the scarves I made her granddaughters. I've been putting that off.

I'd like to talk to Ally. I have no idea what her plans are regarding moving. Or if I should be planning a trip for Christmas.

This year the only holiday that has really had any significance was Mother's Day when I visited my mom. I used to spend a few days in the summer with Susan and her family but they are really busy this year. Amy is busy pursuing a boyfriend, I think, and has other things she's doing. David and Dad don't really celebrate holidays. The sad fact is I am feeling isolated and alone a lot. But I'm not going to dwell on that today. Things are the way they are and we adjust.

I also know that a big part of why I am feeling this way is that it's July. It's truly the saddest month for me. Shannon died in July. Even after 22 years I miss her terribly. And I still feel guilty and pray for forgiveness. I will never forgive myself, I know. I will always miss her. And wonder what she would be like now. So July is typically a bad month for me emotionally. And it's hard to be around other people even though I need to be.

So today I am going to Susan's and perhaps I will work on something crafty to get out of the slowness and the drearies that seem to have hit me this morning.

I've also got to start planning my October vacation. Wish the Celtics would put up their game schedule. That's what's been holding me up! ARGH!

Lost in the Crowd

2009-07-21T06:42:00.000-07:00

It's amazing. I was in Reno this past weekend. I was surrounded by people who didn't know me. I really was just one person lost in the crowd. Doesn't really explain why I feel so alone back among people who know me.

I dreamt of Shannon last night. Sad way to wake up. July is such a hard month for me. You'd think that after 22 years it wouldn't be so hard but it is.

Deep Thoughts

2009-07-11T09:36:00.000-07:00

I have had a lot of deep thoughts lately. Usually I keep them to myself but I thought these deserved an entry in the blog.

It is always apparent that material things and money mean a lot to some people. They even base whether you're worthy of being their friend on if you have "things" and "money" or if you're just average or poor. I have not ever really cared about those things. For me it's all about the person, not what they have or what they can do for me. Maybe this is my New England background. Maybe it's the values my parents instilled in me. In any case if you value my friendship, instead of what I have, that's what I'm about.

I have almost nothing. I live in one room in a friend's house. Had it not been for that friend I would be back in New Hampshire living with my mother. He took me in when I had nowhere to go. He has always been a good friend. I consider him my west coast brother. I don't live paycheck to paycheck (even though sometimes it's very close!) and that's because he charges me reasonable rent. He helps me when I need it no matter how small or big. He doesn't care that I don't own a house or that I don't have a big bank account or that I can't afford to eat at expensive restaurants all the time. He loves me for being me. If I had a million dollars our friendship wouldn't change. I am acceptable as I am, just managing to get by financially. It would be nice to have a bit more money but I can be happy without it. I have a job, a place to live and many blessings. I never forget to count those blessings every day.

But I am rich in so many things that count TO ME. I have true friends who have been there for me through many terrible things, including in the last year when some times made me want to give up and die. There are things that went on inside me that I never talk about. But I haven't given up. I have great true friends. I am rich in so many ways. I am incredibly happy at how I am talented enough to make nice things by knitting and crocheting, even if they're little things like washcloths. They keep my hands busy and my heart light.

I can still write poetry even though I haven't for a while. I'm doing a good job at my job and helping people who need help. I am writing articles for a few newsletters that allow me to share my knowledge and experience. That is sometimes a big struggle but very rewarding personally. I hope that once more before I die I have something published. Just for the sense of accomplishment that I managed to do it. Last I knew my mother still had the newspaper posting from when I had my first poem published. They never said anything, just cut it out and put it up in the cellar in the spot where you'd see it as soon as you rounded the corner on the stairs. A spot of honor. Still makes me cry to think about how that spoke volumes without words.

Living in one room is so hard. But perhaps emotionally I am no longer able to live alone. I enjoy having people to talk with if I am so inclined. I only have dinner alone once or twice a week instead of every night. I have a dog who just adores me and protects me and lets me hug him and ruffle his fur. I'd have never believed it when Max was a puppy. But he and I have a special bond. I am the only female in his life. He protects me and makes me feel loved. Me. Me who has never been a dog person, especially a German Shepherd. Maybe one day Ruger and I will make our peace. I hope so.

I have had a lot of deep thoughts lately. About friends. Family. Dreams that never come true. Small surprises and happinesses. I guess these are the things that cross our minds when our time is short. And let's face it, more than half my life is gone. I'd be willing to bet it's more like 75% that's gone, maybe more. There will be no time for deep thoughts when I've died. Just, hopefully, answers. In the meantime I am trying to come up with a few answers of my own. And still figuring out the questions.

Summer Fun

2009-07-11T09:33:00.001-07:00

Here's the package of summer fun I sent to Matt. I am hoping he's gotten it. I sent it 2 day mail on Tuesday of this week but don't know. Anyway...

Besides two washcloths and a big foam blue "M" which has glitter in it and the note, there is modeling clay, crayongs, drawing paper, sidewalk chalk with an eraser and a little stuffed yellow duck.

Hope he enjoys it. I can only see him once a year so maybe he'll learn to look forward to packages from Grammy as he grows and it will help him remember the old lady he never sees but who loves him very much.

UPDATE: Talked with Ally this afternoon and Matt received his package and loved it. Glad. It's hard to know what to get someone when you aren't around them, especially a child since their interests change often!

Update

2009-07-10T22:35:00.000-07:00

I am hoping I can find to walk on the treadmill tomorrow when nobody is around because I hate doing things like that with others around. But so far here's the update...

Treadmill up and running on July 2, 2009.
8 minutes on July 2, 2009
6 minutes July 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10

Penguin is still winning.